Can't Fight Alone
by McShipper
Summary: Jay gets a call that will change his life. The events that follow will effect him, his partner, and the entire intelligence unit.
1. I'm in the fast lane'

**A/N: This is my first ever fanfic, I'm absolutely in love with Chicago PD. I own 3 pairs of crutches, the entire series of House MD on dvd, and a hyperactive kitten named Misha. I do not own the characters or lyrics in this story. All rights reserved to the creators. Please Favorite, review, and let me know how you like it. Enjoy! **

It's been a very long week. Jay Halstead sits at his desk fiddling with his keychain, doing his best to avoid his job. He should be typing out his report about the break the team made in their most recent case today. They had gotten their hands on Dominic Holender, middle man for Demetri Dombrovski, who is the biggest Russian heroin dealer in Chicago as of right now. Of course when they had found Dominic he was in the Mexicans territory, neck deep in strippers. He remembered Ruzek saying something like "no bueno", which was the extent of Adam's Spanish vocabulary. Holender had tried to lay a hand on his partner, and although he knew for a fact that Erin could defend herself, he was in a not so nice mood. So he had sucker punched the kid in the face, and if he was being honest about it, it had been for the fun of it. His knuckles ache a bit, which is his excuse for not working on his report like he should be.

He looks around the intelligence unit, everyone sitting at their respective desks, apparently also finding excuses to not finish up today's paperwork. He looks over at Erin. She's fiddling with her paperweight grenade, her head off somewhere other than the unit. If Jay had to make a guess, he'd say she was thinking about her fireman boyfriend, Kelly Severide. Not wanting to even think about that, he looks over to Antonio, who's having a heated discussion with his sister in law on the phone.

"No Victoria, let me talk to her," Antonio demands. "She can't just leave a note and take my kids from me, and then just not talk to me for weeks damn it!" He takes a deep breath, pinches the bridge of his nose, and pleads, "At least let me talk to my kids, I have the right to talk to them." He sighs and perks up a bit, slipping into his Spanish and Jay assumes he's talking to his daughter, Eva. Poor Antonio, he's been in such a funk since his wife up and left him about six weeks ago.

Jay glances over to Olinski, sitting back in his corner, feet up on his desk, eating one of those Clementines he always has on him. Jay isn't all too sure where they come from; they just sort of always appear.

He chuckles a bit as his gaze shifts over to Ruzek and Atwater. Atwater is chatting with Adam, who's throwing paper balls at the waste basket, and missing of course.

"God Ruzek, I can't believe they passed you over for the NBA, they don't know what they're missing." Jay comments. Ruzek's response is to throw a paper ball in his direction, missing him, making Jay chuckle again.

"Listen up," Voight's voice booms through the unit, getting everyone's attention. "Go home guys," The group lets out a collective sigh as he continues; "paperwork can wait after the week we've had. Go get a drink, go relax. But be ready to work hard come Monday, there's only so long Dombrovski can go without finding out about Dominic getting pinched. G'night guys." Voight finishes putting on his leather jacket and makes his way down the stairs out of the unit.

"Let's go," Ruzek declares. "Molly's, drinks, I'm buying." Adam places his hands on Antonio's shoulders, "Come on buddy, I'll buy you a few beers and you can forget about it for a while." Jay hears him say as they head toward the locker rooms to pack up their stuff.

Jay drops his gun and badge into his desk drawer and locks it. He hits the power button on his computer, relieved that he won't have to sit there staring at it for any longer. As he waits for it to power down, he sits back in his chair and closes his eyes.

"You coming?" Erin's raspy voice asks him softly from in front of his desk.

He looks up, trying to decide whether or not to go, and as he locks eyes with her he makes his decision putting his hands on his desk and getting up, "Yeah, yeah I'm coming. Drinks on Ruzek?" they start walking through the unit and down the stairs, "Apparently he doesn't realize how well we can hold our liquor." Jay says bumping against Erin as they walk out of the precinct.

She grabs his car keys out of his hand turning around to face him, "You going to let me drive?" she asks.

"What do you think?" he counters as he walks toward his car. Erin makes a pouty face, looking like a puppy dog with her big hazel eyes.

"Fine," he says defeated, "but only because my hand is sore from saving your life earlier."

She saunters over to the driver's side of the car, "Oh please, we both know I could have taken him out with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back. And if I'm not mistaken, I saved your life a few weeks ago!" They both chuckle as she starts the car.

They walk into Molly's together, both laughing at some stupid comment Jay had made on the way in. They stop at the bar, giving Gabby their drink orders before joining the rest of the gang at their table. They fall into casual conversation and as their drinks arrive at the table Jay smacks Adam on the shoulder, "So buddy," he starts, "Is everything really on you tonight?"

"You bet, it's all on me." He states simply.

"Well thanks bro, if I didn't know better I'd think you were some fancy, rich, NBA star." He jokes as Ruzek jokingly gives him the finger.

"You can always buy your own drinks," Adam counters, and as he hears the strains of a familiar song come on over the sound system in the bar, he smiles. Kim elbows Adam and smiles as well.

Kim starts to lip synch and dance to the popular song, Fancy by Iggy Azelea,

"_First things first, I'm the realest__  
__Drop this and let the whole world feel it__  
__And I'm still in the Murda Bizness__  
__I can hold you down, like I'm givin' lessons in physics__  
__You should want a bad bitch like this__  
__Drop it low and pick it up just like this_,"

She continues to finish the verse, complete with moves to compliment the words. It's amusing to watch if Jay is being honest. What he isn't expecting, is what happens next.

"_I'm so fancy__  
__You already know__  
__I'm in the fast lane__  
__From L.A. to Tokyo__  
__I'm so fancy__  
__Can't you taste this gold__  
__Remember my name, 'bout to blow__,"_

Adam sings; Kim dancing around with him until the end of the song.

Everyone sits there in stunned silence for about 20 seconds with looks of bewilderment one their faces before they all start hysterically laughing.

"Wow Ruzek, I guess I was wrong. You must get your money from those rap skills." Jay comments, still laughing.

"You two are kind of perfect," Erin states.

Just then Severide appears, walking over to the table toward Lindsay. Jay rolls his eyes as he watches him kiss her cheek. He isn't feeling as relaxed as he was a few minutes before. He takes a long drink of his scotch, hoping that getting some liquor in him will make him not care, even though he knows that isn't true.

Jay sits there listening to everyone talk about their week and their weekend plans. He feels his phone start to vibrate and ring in his pocket. He thinks about ignoring it, but decides that it could be important.

He looks at the screen; it reads 703-555-1300. His heart speeds up a bit. He knows the area code. Fairfax, Virginia.

Everything around him slows down. He can't for the life of him move his fingers to answer the phone.

Lindsay's voice brakes through his thoughts, "Hey Halstead, you gonna answer that? That ringtone is kind of obnoxious." She jokes.

When he looks up at her the look on his face is pure panic, his coloring white as a sheet.

"Jay, what-" she asks, worried. He just stands up and quickly walks out of the bar. She starts to get up when she feels a hand on her shoulder, "I'm sure he's fine. Let him take his phone call" Kelly says simply.

Outside, Jay reluctantly presses answer; "Hello?" he asks shakily silently fearing what he'd hear, already knowing his fears are going to come true. Again.

Back inside, Kelly's hand is still on Erin's shoulder, making circles with his thumb, pushing her shoulder downward trying to make her sit back down. Erin throws him a glare and pushes his hand from her shoulder, maneuvering herself around him to go look out the window. Jay is still on the phone, shaking his head yes, quite a few times. She waits until it looks like the conversation is finished before she starts out the door.

"Ok sir, Yes sir, I understand. Yes sir, see you soon." He finishes. He hangs up the phone. A mix of emotions surging through his body, he stands there gripping his phone so hard he's surprised it doesn't break. It feels like he stands there forever before rage dominates him and he throws his phone against the brick wall, watching it shatter. Just then Jay hears the door to Molly's shut.

"Jay-," Erin asks, shocked. "What the hell?"

He stands with his back to her, "Nothing, It's nothing." He lies.

Walking over to stand in front of him she starts, "Obviously not Jay! What's going on? Please talk to me." She says, exacerbated.

Jay runs his hands over his face, and takes a deep breath. "Okay, I have some things to take care of," he says, "but maybe tomorrow night I can bring some pizza over and we can talk."

She winces her face. "I can't do tomorrow night, maybe Sunday? I promised Kelly-,"

"Forget it, never mind," Jay cuts her off. "Tell everyone I'm sorry, I just have to take care of some stuff. I gotta go." He turns, puts his hands in his pockets, and starts walking away.

"JAY!" she demands.

He just keeps walking, leaving Erin standing there shocked and a little confused.

He keeps walking and walking until his legs ache.

He stands there looking around the Chicago nightscape. He walks over to a bench, sits down and takes a deep breath before pulling out his work phone and dialing. He puts the phone to his ear and closes his eyes.

"Halstead, someone better be fucking dying." Voight's voice demands.

"Can we meet for a drink? We need to talk." Jay asks.

Noticing the seriousness of Jay's voice, Voight agrees and tells him where to meet him, before he hangs up he asks, "Are you alright, kid?"

Jay sighs, "I just got a call from Fort Belvoir. I have orders to report for active duty." He takes a beat, putting his head back and closing his eyes before he continues, "No, no I'm not alright."


	2. Welcome To The Black Parade'

**A/N: So I'm not as happy with this chapter but I've had more than one person tell me it's good. Tried to get into the softer side of Voight and how Jay deals with the news. Some language and gore warnings, just so you know. I hope you guys don't hate it, ahhhh. I do own everything zebra print, a hot tub, and a 2003 malibu. I do NOT own the characters or lyrics in this story**. **Follow/Favorite and review and let me know what you think!**

Jay walks into the bar that Voight frequents. It's small, smells of stale beer and cigar smoke, but it's open late. They had met here once before. Voight had told Jay that he respects him, which meant a lot to Jay.

Jay walks up to the bar and sits down, letting out a deep breath.

"Rough night?" The older bartender asks him.

"Yeah, you could say that again. Two Manhattan's, please." He asks the bartender. He orders Manhattan's because it's Voight's favorite drink, and it's the least he could do after making him come out this late on a Friday night, especially after the long god awful week they've had.

The bartender slides the drinks in front of him and Jay pushes one in front of the seat next to him.

"Waiting on someone?" the bartender asks him.

"Yeah, my boss." Jay says with a small laugh, although nothing is really funny at all. The bartender looks at his watch and winces his face, "This late? Well good luck with that man." he says before he goes to the other end of the bar to pour a scraggly older looking man a drink. Jay nods and takes a long drink of his Manhattan.

Just then he feels a hand on his shoulder, and he looks over as Voight takes a seat next to him.

"How you doin' kid?" Voight asks him with concern. That was pretty uncharacteristic of Voight, but given the circumstances, Jay guessed that voight was going to be nice to him tonight.

"Like I said, I'm not alright," Jay says with a sigh. "So does that answer your question?" Jay asks curtly, taking another swig of his drink.

Voight says nothing; he just sits there starting on his drink. Jay lets out a hard breath, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, I just-," he closes his eyes. "I just don't want to go back. I'm still not over the images of my platoon mates getting blown to pieces; I honestly don't know how I'm going to do this again." Jay says as he runs his hands over his face.

His work phone buzzes; it's a text from Lindsay.

_I still had your keys after you stormed off, so I drove your car back to your place, left your keys on the table inside your door and locked up, so use the key you keep on top of the light in the hallway. I hope you're okay, talk soon?_

He drops his phone back in his pocket, he doesn't bother responding, he knows that he probably won't see her again before he leaves, and he doesn't want to think about that.

"I know kid, it's hard." Voight starts, "But I've worked with you for quite some time now, and if I've learned anything it's that you are tough, and courageous, and you have integrity. That's what's going to get you through. " He states as Jay finishes his drink.

"Another Manhattan," Voight demands.

As Jay works on his second drink, he listens as Voight tells him what will happen in terms of work and employment. He tells him his job will be waiting when he gets back, and that he will handle the paperwork with what Voight called his "leave of absence."

"Make sure that when you're settled, you get us the address that we can use to send you mail. " Voight finishes. "I'm sure that Ruzek would love a pen pal," he says making Jay laugh. "And I'm sure Erin wouldn't mind either. " he states, finishing his drink.

Jay looks at him surprised. At this point he's in the middle of his third drink, so everything's a bit fuzzy, but he's pretty sure Voight just gave him permission to talk to Erin while he's away.

"Come on," Voight says slapping Jay on the back, "You need a ride?"

Jay pulls out his wallet and lays a few bills on the bar, deciding to pay for both his and Voight's drinks.

"Yeah I do, Erin drove my car to my place. I left it over at Molly's." He says as he pulls on his leather jacket.

When they pull up to his apartment building voight says, "Halstead, good luck over there, and don't go doing anything stupid. The team is going to be here waiting for you, won't be the same without you kid."

"I'll do my best not to do anything stupid," Jay says as he's getting out of the car. "And Voight? Thanks." He says before he closes the door.

As he walks through the hallway to his apartment, Jay can feel the booze clouding his mind. As well as he can hold his liquor, after 2 drinks at molly's and 3 with Voight both on an empty stomach, he is definitely feeling it. He's thankful for that because it clouded the fears and anxiety that he is going to have to face head on in a little under 48 hours.

He takes the key from the light in the hallway, opens the door, and locks it behind him. He strips off his leather jacket and lets it fall to the floor, and he manages to get one of his boots off. His feet, with apparently a mind of their own, carry him to his bedroom. He falls, still fully clothed, face down on his bed and let's sleep take over.

When Jay opens his eyes, the sun greats him, and he squeezes them shut again. His brain is pounding against his skull. He lays there for another moment before he opens them again, slowly this time. He's still dressed and as he slowly sits up, he notices he only has one boot on. Not remembering why, he pulls it off and he runs his hands over his face, feeling his facial hair, a bit thicker than it should be. He strips off his shirt from yesterday and unbuttons his jeans.

His bladder is screaming at him, so he makes his way to the bathroom to relieve himself and when he's done he starts the shower and strips off his jeans. While the water is warming, he walks to the kitchen and grabs the coffee pot. He pours himself a stale cup of coffee 'from over 24 hours ago' he thinks and winces his face as he takes a sip. He verbally groans when his eyes land on the clock and 4:45pm blinks back at him. 'Fuck,' he thinks to himself. He sees his jacket lying on the floor and walks over to hang it on the hook by the door. As he hangs it up, his keys on the table by the door catch his eye; they're sitting on a piece of paper. It reads:

_**J-**_

_**Whatever it is, I hope you know you can talk to me. I've got your back, Always.**_

_**-E**_

He sighs and on his way back to the bathroom he drops it in the trash. He finishes stripping down and steps into the shower, the hot water letting him escape from his thoughts for a few moments.

After showering and shaving it's about 5:30, he pulls on a t-shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. Jay walks over to his laptop, pulling up an airline site, and finding a flight for tomorrow at noon into Dulles Airport, Washington D.C. He books it, and he is glad that the army is paying for it after seeing the price. After quickly glancing at his emails, he shuts down his laptop and lets out a sigh. He walks over to his closet, and reluctantly pulls his army issued duffel bag from the top shelf.

He starts stuffing essentials into it robotically before he sighs again and looks around his apartment. How is he supposed to pack his life into a duffel bag, again? How is he supposed to turn off his emotions, again? He has to go back to scraping his friend's body parts off the desert floor. The nightmare's still plague him, at least twice a week, and he just has to walk right back into another one?

"Fuck," he states aloud before repeating himself, louder this time. "FUCK!" he yells, chucking his deodorant at the wall.

Ignoring his duffle bag, he pulls on socks and his sneakers, and he pulls out his iPod and headphones.

He grabs his key's and walks out of his apartment, slamming the door behind him. He slips in his headphones, puts his ipod on shuffle and starts running.

He doesn't know where he's running to, or if rather he's trying to run from his responsibilities, or maybe from his feelings for Erin? He's not all too sure. Although it isn't his usual preference, as "Welcome to the black parade" by My Chemical Romance pours through his headphones, he runs faster, harder.

"_On and on we carry through the fears,_

_Disappointed faces of your peers,_

_Take a look at me,_

_'Cause I could not care at all,_

_Do or die, you'll never make me,_

_Because the world will never take my heart,_

_Though you try, you'll never break me,"_

Jay runs and runs, letting all his emotions run surge through him as his feet slam against the pavement. He runs until he reaches the Chicago River, pushing his weight against the railing he looks out over Chicago. The sun is setting and it's beautiful. He squats down and tries to catch his breath. His chest is on fire and he's not sure whether it's from the running or from his emotions, 'probably a little bit of both' he thinks to himself.

He can't run from it. He can only run toward it, toward his fears. Headfirst and with everything he's got.

But first, first he needs to have one more piece of Famous Nicks Chicago Deep dish pizza, and maybe a beer. He walks a few blocks towards Famous Nick's and remembers the times he and Erin have gone there after a hard case to grab a few slices and beers before heading back to one of their apartments to watch a game and decompress.

He sighs, as he finishes paying for his pizza and his pint. As he carries his food back to his apartment, he pulls out his phone, quickly dialing her number.

It rings twice, "Answer Erin, please answer." He pleads, listening to it continue to ring, not wanting to think about how she probably won't because she's with Kelly tonight.

"Hey it's Lindsay, leave a message and I'll call you back when I feel like it. " Her voice on her voicemail says to him. He snaps his phone closed and sits down on his couch taking a swig of his beer and finishes his semi-warm piece of pepperoni pizza as Sportscenter drones on in the background.

Knowing he has to pack up before the morning, he heads back to his bedroom and finishes packing his life into a duffle.

In the morning, he tries Erin's phone one more time. Once again, she doesn't answer. Sighing and running a hand over his clean shaven face, he thinks of how he's supposed to tell her. He can't leave it on voice mail and he can't text her, both of those would be rude. He knows Erin would be extremely pissed at him as well, and he does not want to come home to that in six months.

So he takes out an envelope and a piece of paper and sits down. He starts to write down his feelings and his thoughts and whatever he thinks Erin will want to read once she knows he's gone.

When he's finished, he goes around his apartment, unplugging all his electronics, turning off the water in the kitchen and the bathroom, and picks up his duffle from his bedroom and drops it by the front door. He grabs the envelope and some tape and places it in his coat pocket. Throwing his duffle over his shoulder, he takes one more look around the apartment before opening the door.

Jay takes a deep breath, "Here goes nothing," he says to himself.

He shuts the door, a little harder than he should, and double checks it to make sure it's locked.

Jay makes his way down the hallway with his duffle bag and his letter.

And just like that, he's gone.

**A/N: I have chronic illnesses that cause severe pain. So I am not always able to write, or I may make mistakes that I just might miss. Updates should be every few days, but hopefully you all will forgive me if it's ever longer than that? Usually when I end on a cliffhanger I will try to update sooner. Tell me what you think? It was hard writing in Jay's head, if that makes sense. Next few chapters will be Erin's POV. It will switch back and forth throughout the story. All chapters will also have song lyrics, feel free to request songs, and I will try to put them in if they fit with the mood of the chapter. : ) **


	3. Amen, Omen

**Thank you guys so much for the encouraging reviews. I'm very sorry it's taken me a bit to upload this. Like I said I deal with severe pain everyday so I can't always write. Had some major writers block on this chapter. It's the hardest chapter I've had to write. It's a lot easier for me to get into Halstead's head, Erin was a bit different, but again, this is going to be the more emotional side of Erin anyways. This is also going without proofreading because my friend, who usually does read it, is having a hellish trip home right now. So hopefully you guys can overlook any mistakes**. **Also when I mention a song in the chapter I recommend either listening to it as you read it or listening to it before you continue reading. I listen to music while I write, it's kind of what get's my creativity going so hopefully you guys don't mind the incorporation. I own three laptops, only one of which works. I own enough hospital bootie socks to fill an entire drawer. And I own a very comfortable down comforter. I do not own the characters or lyrics in the story. ENJOYYYY! 3 **

It's Sunday evening when Erin finally gets home for the night from her busy weekend. She had stayed over at Kelly's last night after their date, which now that she thinks about it, was pretty average. This morning they fought over her phone ringing, which annoyed the hell out of her. Kelly was acting kind of controlling and she didn't like that very much. She hit the gym and got her groceries after stomping out of Kelly's this morning, she had stopped home to shower before she caught lunch with Antonio. She's worried about him, he seems so depressed since his wife left him, and from the looks of it, she isn't going to be coming back anytime soon. On her way back from seeing her friend Annie after lunch, she called Kim to talk about her fight with Kelly. She and Kim decided that maybe Erin should hit the brakes a bit. She has already been controlled enough in her lifetime; she didn't need to do that again. Eventually they switched topics and Erin gets to hear about Kim's date with Ruzek last night.

Erin's still on the phone with Kim when she walks into the lobby of her apartment building. She tucks her cell into her shoulder as she stops at the mailboxes to grab her mail that she forgot to pick up yesterday. Kim chatters on about how Adam cooked for her, and what an amazing cook he is, then she starts talking about what happened after, as Erin makes her way up her 4 flights of stairs to her apartment, she stops her.

"Whoa Kim," she interrupts, "Don't get me wrong I'm really glad you had a good time, but I don't want to hear about Ruzek's…business. " she says with a chuckle.

As Erin makes it up the final flight of stairs, she listens to the detailed plans Kim is making to surprise Adam next time they both have the day off.

Erin walks the short distance to her door. When she gets there she isn't expecting to see an envelope taped to her door. It simply reads 'Lindsay'.

Taking a beat, she tunes out Kim talking into her ear. It's from Jay. She'd know that handwriting anywhere. She takes it off the door, noticing there is more than just paper in the envelope. 'What the hell?' she thinks to herself.

"Hey Kim," She interrupts, not really caring. "I'm gonna have to call you back ok?"

Erin hangs up the phone without waiting for an answer and slips her phone into her jeans. She quickly unlocks her door, and sets her keys on the table beside her door. She drops her purse on the floor and strips off her leather jacket.

Erin sets the envelope on her kitchen counter and walks over to the fridge; she grabs Saranac summer ale and pops the top off on the counter.

Ignoring the envelope she pulls out her phone. Knowing that he was the one calling her phone this morning she dials Halstead's number, and it goes straight to voicemail. Then she remembers that he threw his phone against a brick wall Friday night. 'What the hell is going on with him?' Erin thinks to herself as she dials his work cell number. Once again, her call goes to voicemail. She feels her heart sink a bit, because not answering his personal cell phone was one thing, but Jay would never keep his work phone off. Hoping it's just dead; she decides to leave a message.

"Hey Jay," Erin starts. "What the hell is going on? Why is your phone off? And why is there an envelope taped to my door with your handwriting on it? Call me back please, you've got me really worried." she says before she hangs up.

She takes the beer and the envelope and walks into her living room. She switches on the lamp next to her couch. She opens the envelope and takes out the paper, and then reaches further into it and pulls out a very old brass locket.

'What in god's name' Erin thinks to herself. She quickly opens up the letter and starts reading.

_**E, **_

_** I know by now you're probably pretty worried, I'm anticipating that, I apologize in advance. I am sorry Erin, I'm so sorry. Now don't get mad, and I know you will, because I know you. The locket that you have in your hand was sent to me by one of my aunt's right before my first deployment. My grandmother gave that locket to my grandfather before his deployment, during World War II. It's a good luck charm. **_

Erin reads on as a warm feeling ignites her skin, not necessarily the good kind of warm feeling either, the 'something major is about to happen' warm feeling.

_**That locket has been in my possession since my deployment, or at least it was until I joined intelligence. I put it in my jacket every day, and the one day I forgot it do you want to know what happened? You covered me. You saved my fucking life. So I'm giving to you to hold on to for a while. **_

_**In case you're having a long day and you haven't caught on yet, I'm not going to be around for a while. That's what that phone call was about on Friday night, it was an important one, and I know you know that too. You saw it on my face. I'm really sorry that I couldn't do this in person, because I know that you are going to be really pissed about it, but I couldn't exactly announce it to everyone in the bar, and I had to process it myself. I'm being deployed, Erin. You know how I feel about it, and I am so sorry that you have vivid details from the stories I told you. **_

It feels like her lungs are on fire. Erin bends at the waste, trying to catch her breath. She does know, she knows about his platoon being blown up, and how it still haunts Jay to this day. Tears sting her eyes as she thinks about it. She takes a few deep breaths then she keeps reading.

_**I have to report for duty first thing Monday, so by the time you're reading this I'll probably already be in Virginia. Please don't be upset with me. I'd tell you not to worry, but we both know you will worry. Voight is handling everything with work, I will be gone at least 6 months working in special ops, mostly in Afghanistan. So make sure someone covers your back since I won't be sitting shotgun for a while, just don't be letting anyone else drive because that would just be unfair. **_

Erin gives a slight laugh, but the laugh doesn't last long as tears start rolling down her face. She chugs the rest of her beer, willing the lump of emotions in her throat to go away.

_**After that first day when I forgot that locket in my locker, I tried it again the next day, and the next day. What I figured out was that the locket wasn't my good luck charm anymore. It was you. We're partners and you've got my back, and I have yours. You steady me, you make me laugh, you relax me, you challenge me, sometimes you frustrate the hell out of me, but you're my rock and my best friend. I don't mean that in the stupid cheesy way. I mean it in the way that you are the only fucking person I want by my side. **_

_**Maybe the locket will be good luck for you, and if not it give you something to keep your hands busy fiddling around with. **_

_**Please tell the team not to be upset with me, but I didn't have time to write personal notes to all of them. Tell them to cover your ass, tell them (Ruzek mostly) to stay out of trouble, and tell them that I'll miss them. **_

_**But you? You I'm going to miss the most. I'm going to miss communicating with our eyes; I'm going to miss your voice, especially your voice making sassy remarks toward me. I'm going to fucking miss you. **_

_**I'll write if and when I can. Take care of yourself Erin. **_

_** Always, **_

_** J **_

The tears keep falling from Erin's eyes; she lets go of the letter and lets it fall to the floor. She robotically goes to the kitchen and drops her empty beer bottle into the recycle bin. She gets out a glass and throws a few ice cubes in and reaches on top of her cabinet. Erin pulls down her bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey and pours herself a glass. She takes her glass and walks back into her living room. She leans against the island that separates the two rooms and closes her eyes hoping it will stop the flow of tears. She takes a long drink of whiskey, reveling in the way it burns, hoping that it will burn away some of the emotions that are flowing through her body. Unfortunately that's not the case, her emotions win. Her hand shakes violently as she lifts her glass back to her mouth and before it makes it to her lips, it falls from her shaky hand. It smashes to pieces when it hits the wooden floor. Sobs rack Erin's body as she slowly crumples to the ground. She sits there and sobs until she feels numb.

Once she stops crying, Erin picks herself up off the floor. She is covered in the whiskey that was all over the floor so she grabs the locket off the table by the couch and heads toward the bathroom. She sets the locket in the jewelry dish that is on her sink and she starts to take off her clothes.

Erin's head is throbbing from crying but other than that she feels relatively numb. After she starts running the water in her claw foot bathtub she drops her phone onto the docking station on the cabinet and puts it on shuffle, and lets the music blast through the speakers.

She pours essential oils and a few foaming bath bombs, and watches the water get fuzzy and bubbly. She climbs and even though the water is extremely hot she ignores it and lets the heat prickle her skin. Erin lets her entire body sink into the water and a few times she even lets her head slide under, letting the silence in, maybe for a few seconds too long.

Erin isn't sure how long she sits there. The water is cooling when she finally starts thinking relatively clearly. Her partner; her best friend. He is going to _war. _No correction, he is going _back _to war. How is she supposed to deal with that? How is_ he _supposed to deal with that? She knew the price of war. She knew there was a chance that she would never see Jay Halstead alive again.

'Fuck' she thinks to herself as she lifts herself from the now cool water.

She reaches over and grabs her phone, interrupting the music that was blasting from her speakers. She quickly dials Kim's number and with a not so steady voice says, "Hey I'm sorry for earlier." She takes a deep breath before she asks, "Do you think you could come over? I kind of need you. "After hearing Erin's shaking voice, Kim automatically agrees.

Erin drops her phone back on the dock and starts the music back up. She towels off her hair and throws it into a semi damp bun on top of her head. She towels off the rest of her body slowly and drops her towel in the hamper.

She puts her hands on the sink and looks down at the locket as she listens to the song "Amen Omen" by Ben Harper flowing out of her speakers.

"_What started as a whisper__  
__slowly turned into a scream__  
__searching for an answer__  
__where the question is unseen___

_I don't know where you came from__  
__And I don't know where you've gone__  
__Old friends become old strangers__  
__between the darkness and the dawn__"_

Erin picks up the locket and unclips the clasp. She puts it around her neck and closes the clasp and looks down at the locket around her neck. She continues to listen to the song.

"_I__listen to a whisper__  
__Slowly drift away__  
__Silence is the loudest__  
__Parting word you never say___

_I put, I put your world__  
__Into my veins__  
__And now a voiceless sympathy__  
__Is all that remains___

_Amen, omen, will I see your face again?__  
__Amen, omen, can I find the place within?__  
__To live my life without you" _

She looks in the mirror at herself with the locket around her neck. She puts her hand over it, and it incidentally falls very close to her heart. As she listens to the song die out tears prick her eyes, but she shakes her head and wills them away.

Erin walks into her bedroom and pulls on her panties and a loose comfy pair of lounge pants. She opens the drawer that holds most of her T-shirts. She goes to grab one of her usual night shirts a white paint splattered t-shirt catches her eye. It's Jay's. She offered to wash it. He had come over for pizza after the team had gone paintballing together, and ended up taking her up on her offer to wash it for him. After reminding him several times at work that she still had it, he told her to just keep it.

Erin automatically picks up the shirt and quickly puts it on as she hears knocking at the door. She walks into the living room as Kim is closing her door.

"I figured you might be getting changed or something so I just walked in" she says as she turns toward Erin. Her eye's goes wide as she sees the broken glass on the floor. "Oh my god, are you okay?!" Kim exclaims.

"Not really" Erin says flatly before gesturing for them to sit down on the couch. They sit there for a while Erin explains what's going on and what the letter said and how she feels about all of it.

"How _do_ you feel about it? Kim interjects.

"I don't really even know. My emotions are overwhelming me, maybe part of it is because I know what he went through the first time, but it's more than that. He's my best friend, but I mean, I feel like I'm over reacting. " Erin says and lets out a breath.

"No you aren't, I promise. It's normal Erin." Kim assures her.

"I have a boyfriend, and I'm sobbing over Jay who is not my boyfriend." She says and lets out a huff. "I mean you'd react this way if this happened to say, Ruzek. But you guys have a thing." She finishes.

"You and Jay have a thing," Kim says softly placing her hand on Erin's arm and Erin gives her a look. "You do! You guys are too in sync, too good of friends to not have a 'thing'. Trust me, everyone can see it but you two. You just need to either ignore the thing or let it in and risk getting hurt because of it." Kim says delicately.

"When the fuck did you get all philosophical? " Erin asks with a small laugh that doesn't last very long before it falls and Kim pulls her into a hug.

"Hey I have an idea. " Kim jumps up and runs to the kitchen and comes back with ice cream and spoons. "Let's eat some ice cream with high fat content and watch America's Next Top Model" she says as she grabs the remote and makes her way to the DVR where Erin had pre-recorded a lot of the show. Since her and Kim had become better friends, Erin had let her in on her guilty pleasure.

As the show starts up Kim offers Erin a spoonful of chocolate chip cookie dough. Erin takes the spoon and puts it in her mouth before she leans her head on Kim's shoulder.

As drama erupts on the screen Erin interjects, "Yeah this is good. Thanks Kim. I needed this"

"That's what friends are for." She says as she smiles digs her spoon into the ice cream.

Erin smiles back and settles into the couch indulging in her guilty pleasure with her friend. She continues relaxing as they laugh and she absent mindedly fiddles with the locket hanging around her neck.

**Hopefully you guys don't hate the kind of emotional Erin? I tried to make it as realistic as I could while still trying to follow what I had in my head as well. Hopefully the locket thing isn't weird? I needed to give her something meaningful of his to fiddle with. This was pretty long so I hope you guys forgive me for the break in the update. I hope there weren't too many grammatical errors either, it's almost 2am but I've read it over a few times and it doesn't seem too bad. I will update when I can and when the next chapter comes to me. Let me know of any lyrics or suggestions on storylines you guys have? Please favorite and review, I love your guy's reviews. : ) **


	4. It's a mad, mad world

_**Hey Guys I am sorry for the lack in update.**_** I have serious writers block not to mention my endometriosis is acting up and that is **_**very**_** severely painful for me. My mom is also getting married in a week as well and I am the maid of honor so it's been very busy and very hard with constant pain. Please don't kill me but this will be a short chapter. I just can't right now. I'm so so glad you guys love this; it's just hard with pain plus writers block. It'll probably be a once a week update at least for a few weeks until I get through this wedding stuff, so I'm sorry but if the feeling strikes me I will definitely update more often. I finally have some ideas for this chapter (technically this is only half of it, so I may even update it later today after I sleep for a while, if not it will definitely be up by Thursday morning.) Also forgive me if the military stuff is wrong or inaccurate, I don't know much about it. One last apology for any grammar mistakes, it's very late and I'm not having anyone proofread this one. I hope you enjoy, don't for get to review/favorite. **

Sergeant First Class Grayson finished briefing Jay's small Special Forces group on their first major assignment; they will be catching a plane later this afternoon to Kunar province, Afghanistan. It's one of the most of dangerous places in Afghanistan and because Jay is special ops he will be going on even more dangerous missions. Missions that hold possible consequences that he has seen, heard and felt, first hand. Jay personally would be on sniper rifle, given his recent experience with the intelligence unit. Maybe that will help him disconnect with the feelings of having to pull the trigger to end someone else's life. There is always a possibility of having to watch the rest of his platoon get wounded in their assignments, but technically barring their convoy exploding in transit, there is less of a chance of Jay personally getting blown to pieces, at least in this first assignment.

On his way back to his temporary bunking unit, he passes a friend, Jason, he had made overseas during his first deployment. He was not in Jay's own platoon but occasionally their platoons had been at the same base for quite a while and they would all play soccer quite a bit to blow off some steam.

"Holy Fuck!" Jason exclaimed when he saw Jay walking toward him in his fatigues. "What are you doing back here Halstead?" he said as he embraced him in a man hug.

"Got called back like two days ago out of the blue. I've been working in Intelligence, it's been different. But I really love it; I think I want to be there for a while. Provided I survive this tour." Jay explained to Jason and he nodded his head sympathetically.

"How have you been man?" Jay asked his friend.

"Okay I guess," Jason explained. "Only had two months home, had to report today, ship out in a week."

"That's rough man, I'm sorry." Jay empathized. "Hey, how's Landon?" Jay asks about the other soldier they were close with.

"Oh shit, Jay. You didn't hear?" he asked surprised. "Landon was killed in Kandahar about 8 months ago."

"Oh God damn it" Jay mutters, squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his fists in anger. "I…. damn it." He says again.

"I know, it took me a while to process it man." Jason says solemnly and sighs. "I'm heading back to the bunks though, I'm sorry. Good luck and stay safe dude. Maybe I'll see you around. " Jason says patting Jay on the back before walking in the opposite direction.

"Yeah," Jay says absent mindedly.

He walks to the gun range, needing to blow off some steam and get some shots in before they leave that afternoon. He shot through a few magazines of bullets, nailing his target every time. Because it's still early and he has hours before he needs to board his flight he decides to hit the gym as well. He hooks his iPod to his bicep, putting it on shuffle and puts his headphones in his ears. He tapes up his knuckles, preparing to hit the bag for a while.

He punches through a few songs and as his workout comes to an end, "Hotblack" by Oceanship bleeds through his headphones.

"_**Took a big trip**_

_**With your old band**_

_**To your homeland**_

_**For the wrong man**_

_**Making big plans**_

_**For your own sake**_

_**Hope they don't bend**_

_**Hope they don't break**_

_**Took a tip from a rodeo show**_

_**Get a grip or you're gonna get thrown**_

_**Take your aim when you take a shot**_

_**For the man under you will take everything you got**_

_**Take the pills that they give you mornings**_

_**Spit them out when they aren't looking**_

_**Fix a smile but you burn it hot**_

_**It's a mad, mad, world**_

_**Na Na Na Na Na…" **_

The song carries on as he gets lost in his head. He had to admit it, he was scared. He is scared of losing more people. He is scared of being hurt himself, and not just physically either. One tour had already taken a major toll on him and he already suffers from PTSD. Walking back into a nightmare is scary as hell.

He is scared for everyone back home because even being a cop has it's dangers, as they had seen first had when Antonio was shot a few months back. He is worried about Erin. He is angry about leaving. He isn't sure how to handle all of these conflicting emotions. Anger boils through him but at the same tears prick his eyes.

He walks outside into the morning sunlight. He slides his sunglasses on and is thankful that no one can see the glassiness of his eyes behind them.

Not being able to resist all the emotions inside his body, he pulls out the only working phone he has in his possession, knowing it will be rendered useless in just a few hours. He dials the only number he knows by heart, the only number he's called 3 times in the last 36 hours.

He is somewhat relieved when it keeps ringing with no answer. His heart skips a beat when he hears the voice fill his ear, "Hey this is Lindsay, leave a message and I'll call you back when I feel like it." He hears her raspy voice and chuckles a bit at her snarky attitude, but he also feels warmth and relief flood his body as well. That's the point where he has been snapping his phone shut. This time, he leaves a message.

**Short, like I said. But I will update very shortly. Although after I upload chapter 5 it will be a week, if not longer before I update. So I hope these two chapters make up for it, this part I wanted to get in because there won't be much Jay while he is deployed because I don't know enough about this stuff to do super in depth chapters. Will mostly be Erin and the teams, and maybe some letters from Jay. Anyways, PLEASE leave me reviews. I love them and I love ideas/song suggestions/recommendations. **


	5. Welcome to the fall out

**A/n: I'm very sorry I didn't upload this right away; I just couldn't finish it that night. It's a very important, very busy week for me. I'm hoping you guys don't hate me too much because of it. I'm also not having anyone proof this, so I am sorry for any mistakes. I hope you guys don't mind the music in the chapters, I get through emotional/rough times using music so I'm making Jay and Erin do the same thing. I own a 2003 Malibu, I own way too many sets of headphones, and I also own a Youtube channel where I make fan videos(INCLUDING CHICAGO PD :D ). Check it out if you're interested. channel/UCqg6RhkmzJ2JMBsKjD_OSPA/videos**

**What I don't own is any of the characters or lyrics in this story. Hope you enjoy! **

"Fuck," Erin says aloud as she slaps her alarm clock off. She glances over at the clock, and it read 10:45, she groans. She doesn't have to be at work until twelve; but even still, she's in no mindset to be solving crimes today. Erin slowly sits up and rubs her hands over her face. She feels like she has a hangover, and not just from the alcohol and carb heavy foods either. She was emotionally hungover, and emotionally confused for that matter. What the hell is she supposes to do with all these feelings? Her _boyfriend _runs into burning buildings every single day. It upsets her but she's never felt anxiety, fear, and worry like she's feeling now that she knows Jay is leaving on another tour of duty. She didn't even feel like this when Kelly was nearly blown up along with the rest of 51. Sure she was relieved when she found out everyone was okay but she didn't feel a weight on her chest for Kelly, ever.

Erin picked up her phone, and opened her previous conversation with Kelly. She texted him, 'Hey, could we get together and talk tonight?' Hoping that by the time she sees him later today he will figure out what kind of talk they need to have.

She sighed when she thought of work, work without Jay. No. Not today. She opened up her favorites list seeing Jay's name there made her heart clench. She pressed on Voight's name, calling him.

"Hey kid, what's up?"

"Don't. Don't do that." She starts, "Why wouldn't you tell me? You knew!" Erin exclaims.

"He wanted to tell you himself."

"But I could have said goodbye!" she says and lets out a hard sigh, clearly frustrated.

"I know Erin, I'm sorry." Voight says before he clears his throat, "Is this why you called me?" he asks.

"No, well," she continues," I just… I don't know how I can work today. I don't have a clear head. Do you think I can take a day? Chalk it up to a mental health day?" she waits, and then pleads. "Please? I just can't do it today."

She fiddles with the locket hanging around her neck, and after Voight thinks about it for a second he agrees. "I'll let the team know. I'll see you tomorrow, but let me know if you need me to stop by with a few beers okay?"

"Thanks Hank," she says sweetly. "I'll text you later if I need to, I really appreciate this."

"No problem, kiddo. " He says before the line goes dead.

Relieved but still plagued with anxiety and worry for Jay, she gets up and pulls on a pair of yoga pants.

Her phone buzzes and she sees that Kelly agreed to go talk over beers later. Erin sighs and doesn't bother responding.

She pulls her hair up into a messy bun and pulls on a sports bra and the t shirt she wore to sleep last night, Jay's T-shirt.

Erin has a lot of pent up energy and emotions that she doesn't know how to process or deal with. There is only one of a few places that she can go to clear her head. She puts in her ear buds and straps her 22 berretta into her hip holster and clips it to her pants before she walks out the door, slamming it behind her.

Erin walks into the gun range, and is greeted by Tommy, who is the owner. She and Jay came here pretty regularly to blow of some steam, and if she was being truthful some of the sexual tension that seemed to always be there between them.

Erin leans over the log, and as she's signing in she hears Tommy speak.

"Hey where's your friend?" Tommy asks.

Taken aback, Erin takes a minute to take a deep breath before answering, "He's not going to be around for a while. Just me."

"Oh okay," he says surprised by her answer.

Trying to avoid any more questions Erin asks for a stall and a pack of .22 ammunition and a pair of protective ear guards.

"Thanks Tommy. " She says as she picks up her supplies off the counter.

Erin pulls her headphones over her ears and it blocks out the sound around her. She walks to her stall and hangs up her target before sending it back to the 20 foot mark.

She loads a clip and cocks her gun back. She takes a deep breath and takes her aim before putting her finger near the trigger.

Erin channels all her anxiety, nerves, anger, conflicting emotions and she pulls the trigger, thoroughly and repeatedly.

Meanwhile at the station Voight is hanging up the new leads they have on Dembrovski that had arisen over the weekend, granted it wasn't much. Voight had checked in on Dominic Holender in his cell before coming up to the unit. Dominic wasn't talking so they'd probably have to throw him in the cage at some point today. Voight sighs and turns around as he hears footsteps on the stairs leading up to the unit.

It's Alvin and he comes in and sets his bag on his desk before walking over to Voight.

"How do you think they'll take it?" he asks him, already knowing about Jay's deployment and the details of his dangerous location.

"I hope they take it better than Erin, she can't even come in today. " Voight says bluntly.

He hears Antonio and Atwater talking as they walk up the stairs and continue to casually chat as they move to their respective desks; Antonio taking out his shield and gun and Atwater booting up his computer. Voight makes his way to the break room to pour the second cup of coffee he's had in the last hour.

When he walks back out he takes a glance at the clock, and goes to stand by the board. Ruzek comes running up the stairs at the last minute, throwing out a "Sorry I'm late boss."

"Alright let's get down to business. Over the weekend Dembrovski…"

His words cut off as he's interrupted by Ruzek, "Wait Boss, where is everyone? Where's Halstead and Lindsay?"

"Lindsay is…taking a mental health day." He says reluctantly, knowing how stupid he sounds saying it, because once they know what's going on, they will understand why she isn't here. He continues, "Halstead," he takes a beat, "Halstead we need to talk about. "

"What, did he get his ass in trouble again?" Antonio says rolling his eyes.

"No, no Jay isn't going to be around for a while. He got a call from a commanding officer on Friday evening. He had to report this morning to Fort Belvoir and he boards a plane in about 2 hours to Kunar Provence, Afghanistan. "He pauses for a moment as the group collectively lets out a groan, knowing the seriousness of what is going on. "He will be working special ops and will be gone at least 6 months."

"Holy Shit" Ruzek says, letting out a breath.

"So with that being said, we are pulling Burgess up here in his absence and we will be rotating out partners to be fair and because I think it will help us all get through being down a man." He glares at Ruzek and points a finger at him before continuing, "If I see in the slightest that Burgess is affecting your work or your ability to back whatever partner you are working with, including her, she will be back to crossing guard duty in an instant."

"Yes sir. Understood sir. " Ruzek says seriously and waits for Voight to continue.

"Go grab her. " he says to Ruzek before continuing, "With all that being said, why don't we all take ten minutes and regroup and get our shit together. We are going to have to grill Holender and possibly throw him in the cage, and whoever is left back will be following leads and answering phones. Lets go."

Adam jogs down the stairs to grab Kim and Antonio leans back against his desk and lets out a long breath.

"You okay, Dawson?" Olinsky asks him.

"Yeah, no, I just know what Jay went through the first time so this fucking sucks. Like he barely made it through his first tour." he looked to Alvin and asked, "How did you do it?"

"You just power through. You have a mission to do and it involves more than just your own life and the lives of your friends, it's about the bigger picture, and you have to take that into consideration. Its hell, believe me, but thankfully with Jay switching to sniper he will be able to disconnect a bit better, at least on his first mission. " Alvin says simply. "It's all about having support and having people to talk to, or not talk to depending on how you process things. Having people is the biggest thing, which is why even though he's not here, we still have to have his back."

"Yeah definitely," Antonio says, shocked Alvin can be so calm about everying, even this.

Their ten minute regroup is almost up so Antonio sits at his desk and boots up his computer. Alvin sits in his corner sipping on his coffee, and Atwater is typing on his computer, more than likely finishing some paperwork form the week before.

Adam and Kim walk up the stairs, Kim already in plain clothes. They stand together, waiting for Voight's instructions.

"Alright guys, lets just get through this day. Let's grill the hell out of this Dominic kid and get some dirt to nail Dombrovski, like I said we'll take him to the cage if we need to. It'll be good to let some aggression out. Let's go. " he says and with that everyone pushes headstrong into the rest of their day.

Erin empties four clips into her target before she pulls it back to check out her handy work. She renders it useless as she has blown literal holes into it. Feeling not as tightly wound she decides to pack up her stuff. She returns the things to the counter that she rented and she drops her empty shells into a large bucket with other empty shells.

She pays for the rented equipment and stuffs her small wallet into the small bag that is attached to her holster at her hip.

She puts her headphone back on and decides to run the long way home, hoping to let off some more steam and to further clear her head. The sun assaults her eyes, and she squeezes them shut, soaking in the sun for a moment. It's actually a beautiful day, even if Erin isn't feeling it.

She takes off running and runs for a good 10 minutes before she gets to the spot that she wants to be. She's standing under a tall oak tree, thankful for the shade from the sun, which is now feeling more than just warm. She smiles as she remembers why this was one of her favorite spots in the city. It wasn't long after they started working together, but her and Jay had been totally shitfaced, and had decided to walk off their drunk. They had gotten some really greasy pizza from some hole in the wall, 24/7 pizza joint. They had walked down to the river and talked about the most random things that they could think of with their minds clouded with that much alcohol.

Erin ran her hand over the rough bark of the oak tree where they had drunkenly carved vulgar words into its wood. They had lain under this stupid tree until dawn talking.

Erin looks out over the water as "Dare you to move" by switchfoot pumps into her ears.

"_I dare you to move_

_I dare you to move_

_Like today never happened_

_Today never happened before_

_Welcome to the fallout_

_Welcome to resistance_

_The tension is here_

_Tension is here_

_Between who you are and who you could be_

_Between how it is and how it should be"_

She's interrupted in the middle of her favorite part of the song, by a text message.

She removes her phone from the holster around her arm, and looks to find a message from Voight asking if she's doing okay.

She nearly drops her phone as she sees that she has a missed call that reads, "Halstead".

She feels her heart clench when she see's that she also has a voicemail.

She walks over to the bench on the sidewalk and sits down.

Erin takes a deep breath before pressing play and holding the phone to her ear.

"Hey Erin" She smiles when she hears his voice. Her hand travels to her neck and lands on her locket.

"I'm sorry I don't really know why I'm calling, I just felt the need to. I know you got my letter already, and like I said, I apologize and I hope I didn't cross any lines there, I just needed to get some of that stuff out there, just in case. I hope you like the locket, and I'm sure you're fiddling with it as you listen to this" She lets out a laugh and lets her hand drop to her lap. He takes a deep breath before the message continues. " I'm headed to the airport and I take off at about two. I will have some access to internet once I'm there so hopefully I will get to email you guys and maybe even video chat if I ever have some down time. Maybe you can leave me some emails if you're in the mood to have a pen pal." He gives a half hearted laugh before continuing. "Honestly I'm really glad you didn't answer. I'm not sure how I would have gotten on the plane had I heard your voice. Erin, It may sound stupid but I'm terrified. I don't want to do this again. I don't want to leave the team, you guys are my family. I don't want to leave _you_." As she listens, Erin can tell Jay is emotional and tears sting her eyes at the thought, "I need you to watch your back, because I need you there when I come home. I'm sorry, I got to go now, watch your six partner. "And the message ends.

Erin stares blankly at her phone for a moment as tears roll down her cheeks before she sets the phone on the bench next to her. She pulls her legs up to her chest, lets her head drop to her knees, and lets out the sobs she's been swallowing back.

When she can't cry anymore she lifts her head from her knees. Her head is finally clear, and so is her confused heart.

She picks up her phone and she selects Jay's name. Knowing that he may not get on the plane if she tries to call him back, she opts for a text message.

She looks at her watch, having over an hour before he would be boarding the plane, she takes about fifteen minutes deciding what to say before she hit's send. She smacks her hands on her thighs before she gets up and heads home. She thinks about taking a nap, she's physically and emotionally drained. She has to talk to Kelly later and she honestly wants to just get it over with already. It's not fair to him if she has these kinds of feelings for someone else. It's not fair to either of them.

Jay is sitting in the airport surrounded by most of his unit. They've all had a laugh about the fact that they have to fly southwest to go to war. It's a little ironic.

They will be boarding soon and Jay's nerves are fried at this point. He has his ipod in but he's not really listening to the music that is droning through his head.

He feels his phone buzz and his heart skips as he sees that he has a text from Erin.

'Even though the last thing I want you to do is leave, I figured a text message would be a safer bet for both of us. Yes I was fiddling with my locket, which is a complete honor to wear. And what can I say? You know me Jay. It's going to help me deal with the fact that I don't have my partner around. I know you are terrified, and it is 100% reasonable and 100% normal, and that's why you have back up. You know me Jay. We're all going to have your back during this; you can lean on any one of us, especially me. I can promise you I am going to be watching my ass more than ever, especially since you aren't going to be here watching it. I'm going to be here when you get home, trust me. I'm not going anywhere, Jay. Watch your ass out there. Please stay safe. And I hope to hear from you soon.

Xo,

E'

Jay smiles down at his phone. He reads through it again and lets his thoughts drift. They are interrupted by the intercom telling everyone in his section of the airport that Flight 256 to Kunar Provence. Jay closes his eyes and puts his head back as he takes a long deep breath.

He takes one more look at the text message and drops his phone into his black backpack. He stands up slowly and straps the backpack to his back. He grabs his duffle and grips it with more force necessary. He slowly walks to the gate and absent mindedly hands over his boarding pass.

He takes one more deep breath before he throws his shoulders back and puts one foot in front of the other until he reaches the plane. Using all his willpower he steps onto the plane. 'Here goes nothing' he thinks to himself as he throws his duffle in the overhead bin. He un-straps his backpack and as he sits down he drops in heavily in between his legs. He straps on his seatbelt and glances out the window before leaning his head back against his seat and closing his eyes. He wishes more than anything that he could blink and these six months could pass. Rather than open his eyes and face reality, he keeps them closed for a good portion of his 17 hour flight into Afghanistan.

**A/n: Alright I hope you guys don't hate this and it wasn't too choppy. This week is crunch time, my mom gets married Friday so I have been working on this for 48 hours on and off and I finally just banged something out, not how I wanted it to go exactly but I just can't think anymore. Please let me know if you guys would want a time jump after the next chapter or if you guys want it to be a slower story. It's up to you so please leave me feedback! Again hope you enjoy, I will update probably by next Monday or Tuesday. : ) **


	6. Have you no idea that you're in deep?

**A/N: SO the wedding was good, it just took me a while to recoup after all the stress and physical activity, my body kind of rebelled. I was also viding, (because it's easier than writing when in pain.) So that takes up a lot of time too. I'm really sorry that it took so long to update though. I hope this long ass update will appease you. :D (it's 10 pages in Microsoft word!) I own grape hookah, 7 televisions, and braces/casts for nearly every joint in my body. I do NOT own any of the characters or lyrics in this story! Enjoy guys. : ) **

****Three weeks after Jay's deployment Erin wakes up with a start, heart racing. Trying to orient herself she sits up slowly. She dreamt of Jay, again. She dreamt of him in a way that made her ache. She could still feel the heat of his hands on her body, even though they had never physically been where she was dreaming of them being. She would give anything to touch him right now, even if it was just a hug.

Thankfully she had heard from him about a week from the day he flew out, it was short but he wanted to let her know that he was going into his first mission, it eased her nerves a bit at the time, but now that it had been two weeks since she's heard from him, her nerves were starting to grate.

Erin looks at the clock and sighs. She has almost two hours before she has to be at work, so she decides to take her time getting ready. She slowly gets out of bed and stands, putting her hands over her head and stretching out the vertebrae in her spine. She shuffles out to her kitchen and pours herself a hot cup of coffee, hoping it will perk her up a bit. She walks back to her bedroom and sits down on her desk chair, cradling her cup of coffee in her hands as she boots up her computer to check her email. Since Jay had left she had an obsessive habit of checking her email a little too frequently. She opens up her email and her heart sinks when she see's that she doesn't have any new emails. She logs on to Skype and see's once again that he isn't online. She leaves her skype signed on anyways, just in case. She's worried and that makes her cranky, she hates letting people in this much, she hates caring this much because it breaks her heart.

Deciding that she should start getting ready for work she goes to the bathroom to start up the shower and she puts her phone on her docking station, queuing up a playlist to listen to while she gets ready. She hopes that some sort of music will lift her mood, let her escape her thoughts and worries for a while. It's Friday after all, she just has to make it through the day.

'Do I wanna know?' by the Arctic Monkey's pours through her speakers. The beat automatically makes Erin want to move, so as she strips off her pajamas she dances around to the song, swinging her hips to the beat.

'_Have you got colour in your cheeks?_

_Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift_

_The type that sticks around like something in your teeth?_

_Are there some aces up your sleeve?_

_Have you no idea that you're in deep?_

_I dreamt about you nearly every night this week_

_How many secrets can you keep?_

_'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat_

_Until I fall asleep'_

She steps under the hot spray and lets the water and the music wash over her;

'_Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?_

_'Cause I always do_

_Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new_

_Now I've thought it through'_

Zoning out and enjoying the hot water and several songs that follow, she realizes that she lost track of time. She quickly washes her body and decides rather than washing her hair; she'll just pull it up into a ponytail.

Erin finishes up quickly and jumps out of the shower. She pulls on a pair of her favorite jeans and a light purple quarter sleeve shirt. She grabs her bag, her phone, and quickly pours another cup of coffee into a travel mug, planning on savoring it throughout her Friday. She grabs her bag and heads out the door.

Erin is walking up the stairs to the intelligence unit when she runs into Adam.

"Hey Lindsay, how's it going?" Ruzek asks.

"Ah" Erin starts, "let's just say I'm glad it's Friday. " She says with a small smile.

"Well perk up, " Ruzek says as he claps her on the back. "We're working together today, partner."

'You aren't my partner' flashes through her mind, but she plasters on a smile and gives him a nod, "Sounds good."

Adam heads over to his desk to boot up his computer and instead of doing the same she goes and leans against Jay's desk. She has been sitting there occasionally just because she wants to. At first everyone kept asking her why but after her snapping at them a few times, no one bothers to ask anymore.

They all listen as Voight discusses the leads they have on Harry Vizor, who has been smuggling underage girls for the purpose of child prostitution and pornography. 'Piece of shit' Erin thinks to herself and grinds her teeth.

Once Voight is done briefing everyone Erin asks him if she can speak to him for a second.

"So I was thinking back to when Antonio was on desk duty when he was recovering, right?" she starts

"He had tons of messages and said that we needed someone screening calls and taking messages. So I was thinking maybe we can bring Nadia in. She's been clean for a while and she could use a chance, minimum wage is fine, she just needs help getting back on her feet. She needs this, like I needed you." She says sincerely.

Voight gives a little smile, "I have to talk to Perry about it, but I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem. I agree, she helped us big on that hooker case and I think you're right about getting someone in here to field calls. I can probably make it happen by next week, how does that sound?" he asks.

"That would be great." She pulls him into a hug, "Thank you so much Hank." She whispers to him, thanking him not only for this, but for everything.

"No problem, kid. " he says, pinching her cheek.

She chuckles and walks to her desk to clip her badge to her belt and settle her gun in its holster. She calls out, "Ruzek, lets go!" and starts walking down the stairs of the unit.

"Yes, Ma'am." He says running to catch up with her.

"I'm driving." She says matter-of-factly when he catches up with her.

Adam chuckles, "Of course you are."

Later in the afternoon, Adam and Erin pull up outside of a local run down restaurant where Vizor usually hangs. Sure enough there is a group of people standing around out front.

Pulling out the picture, she leans closer to Adam showing him, "What do you think?" she asks, looking at the group of guys.

"I don't see him." Adam says.

They sit for a minute scanning faces, and then Erin smirks, "I see him." She says pointing to the door that he just walked out of.

"Lets go." Adam says opening his door, "Double team him?" he asks Erin.

She nods and Adam heads in the direct of the group of people while she hangs behind.

"Hey buddy," Adam says casually to Vizor. "Are you Harry?"

"Uh yeah…" Harry replies, clearly confused because he doesn't recognize Adam.

"My buddy told me about your…business." Adams voice drops to a whisper.

"Oh, oh okay. You interested?" Vizor asks him.

"Yeah definitely, nothing too old though." Adam points to the alley close to the store, "Wanna come over here and we can sort things out in private?"

Vizor nods and follows Adam toward the ally. Once they round the wall, Adam positions his body close to Vizor, essentially giving him little space to move.

"So how do you wanna do this?" Vizor asks.

"Well," Erin says at the mouth of the alley, "For starters, why don't we take this _business_ downtown? You're under arrest. And don't even think of running, I'm not in the mood."

"Sonofa-" Vizor says before Erin pushes her elbow into his back and turns his body against the wall. She grabs his right arm, trying to handcuff him. Instead, he lifts his left arm and elbows erin in the eye, catching her off guard making her grab her head and bend down. Adam reaches for him but Vizor maneuvers around him, grabs erin by the hair and throws her against the wall. Then he runs.

Adam bends to check on Erin.

"What are you doing?" she yells at him, "Go!"

Adam takes off running and Erin takes her time getting up off the ground, clutching her head.

"Damn it!" She says aloud and kicks a trashcan near her.

Just then Adam comes walking down the alley with Vizor in handcuffs. When they reach Erin, she grabs Vizor's arm forcefully and pushes him toward the car, throwing Adam a glare.

Once she throws Vizor in the back of her car, she slams the door and turns on Adam.

"What the _hell _was that?" She spits out. "You don't stop to check, you run after the suspect, there's two of us for a reason, Ruzek!" She says.

"He got you pretty bad, I just thought-"Erin cuts him off mid-sentence.

"Don't. Don't think. Just apprehend the suspect. You should have had my back to begin with; he shouldn't have been able to get a jump on me. This wouldn't have happened if my partner was here." She says harshly.

Adam sets his jaw and takes a deep breath. "Let's just get this scum back to the station."

Realizing she hurt Adam, Erin looks away and huffs out a breath before nodding and rounding the car to the driver's side.

Once she starts the car, she switches on the radio and lets some music flow through the car, trying to relax. After driving for a few minutes, Ruzek turns his head to stare at her.

Feeling his eyes on her she turns toward him, "What?" she asks sharply.

"You know Erin," Adam says a bit harshly, "We miss him too."

Erin's mouth hangs open for a minute, before she turns away from him. Tears prick the back of her eyes and she doesn't want Adam to see. Her hand instinctively reaches for her locket before she clears her throat.

"Yeah, I know." She says softly.

Back at the station they hand Vizor over to Olinksi, Voight, and Dawson for interrogation. She and Adam silently sit at their desks, typing up their reports on the case. Atwater and Burgess head up the stairs to the unit and both head to their desks, "What's going on guys?" Atwater asks the two.

Neither of them answer, and Kim and Atwater look at each other and then at them. Atwater lifts his eyebrows and asks, "Trouble in partner paradise?"

"No," Erin answers quickly. "I just owe Ruzek an apology."

Kim looks at Adam and he smiles and nods at her. Kim taps Kevin on the shoulder, "Let's go grab our stuff from our lockers." She says, throwing a wink at Erin.

Erin takes a deep breath and heads over to Adam's desk.

" I really am sorry I lost it on you, as you obviously know, it wasn't really about you."

"It's okay Lindsay, I get it." Adam says empathetically. "Apparently he's my pen pal, I heard from him when he got over there. How long has it been since you've heard from him?"

Erin's hand clenches, along with her heart, "It's been about two weeks. I'm worried, Adam."

"I know, it's understandable. He's your _partner_." He says, stressing the word partner.

"Yeah, yeah he is." She says solemnly.

"Tell you what," he says, "Why don't we grab Kim and Kevin and we can all go for coffee, de-stress you know? You can buy mine." Adam says with a smirk.

Erin lets out a laugh. "That sounds like a deal."

After grabbing some coffees, the group sits down at a table facing the window.

They settle into a conversation about their days, and the subject lands on Vizor.

While Adam is talking about what happened during the takedown, Erin winces in pain and Kim notices.

"Yeah that looks pretty nasty," Kim says to Erin before taking a sip of her vanilla chia latte.

"It doesn't feel very great either," Erin says cradling her pounding head in her hands.

Kim gives her an empathetic look and Erin looks back to Kevin, who is talking about the case that he and Kim worked today, something about a kid that was involved in dealing coke.

Erin feels a wave of nausea, and grips her cup of coffee a bit tighter, still trying to listen to Kevin. She takes a long drink, hoping that her stomach is just iffy because she hasn't eaten today.

Her head continues to pound more, and she decides that maybe she needs go splash some cold water on her face.

"You okay?" Kim asks, noticing Erin's pale complexion.

"Yeah, I'm fine I just need to go powder my face." She says somewhat sarcastically.

She stands up slowly, hoping her head will stop throbbing once she gets up and moves around.

"You want me to come?" Kim asks her, voice somewhat distorted. Erin's vision tunnels.

She shakes her head, willing it to go away.

"I'm coming anyway," Kim says, starting to stand up. It sounds like she's so far away.

Erin grips her head, and as she goes to follow Kim, the ground rushes up toward her and everything goes black.

Kim is sitting next to Erin's bed in the Emergency Room with Adam right behind her when Voight violently pulls the curtain back.

"What the hell happened?" He says directing the question at both Adam and Kim.

Adam fills him in on earlier events and what they know so far from the doctors.

"The doctor should be back soon." Adam finishes.

Voight walks over to Erin's bed, and gently runs his hand over her cheek. "You better be okay kid."

Erin groans, trying to orient herself. She remembers bits and pieces of collapsing, of waking up in the ambulance, of the doctors giving her meds and being in and out of sleep. She remembers being pissed because Adam and Kim kept waking her up every 10 minutes, little did she know they had been instructed to.

"I'll be okay, I promise." She says softly, eyes still closed.

Just then the doctor pulls the curtain back and then pulls it closed behind her. Erin opens her eyes and squints before opening them fully.

"Wow, busy room. " She says. "Are you all family?" she asks them all.

"Yes." They all answer in unison, making Erin smile softly.

"So detective, your CT scan came back, it didn't show any kind of brain bleed, but you definitely have a moderate concussion."

"Okay so what does that mean?" she asks, knowing probably a few days off work.

"It means a pretty bad headache for about a week, and those bruises will be very sore for a few days. I'd also like to keep you overnight, just for observation."

"No." Erin answers immediately.

"Erin…" Voight says concerned.

The doctor interjects, "She doesn't have to. But if she doesn't stay, she definitely has to have someone with her, waking her up every hour and checking on her."

"I will" Kim says willingly, looking towards Erin. "It'll be fun, we'll have a sleepover."

"Sounds great." Erin says, just wanting to get out of this hospital.

The doctor gives her scripts for pain medication, gives her instructions to be off work for 3 days, and tells her to come back if there are any changes. "You just need to sign these discharge papers and you're free to go." She says handing Erin the papers. Erin signs them quickly and looks around making sure there isn't anything left behind.

"You gonna take her home?" Voight asks Kim.

"You bet," she says, "We'll stop at the pharmacy and fill her prescriptions and grab an ice pack and then head home." She smiles at Erin.

"Okay, please call me in the morning." He commands Erin.

"I will, I promise." She says as he pulls her in for a hug. "Don't worry I'm fine." She says as they walk out of the doors of the ER.

"I can't promise anything, kid." He says giving her a wave before heading toward his car.

Kim laces her arm through Erin's, with Adam right behind her. "Come on, let's go have a slumber party."

Erin is sitting on her couch; head pillowed on Kim's lap, watching the food network with an Icepack over half of her face when she hears a knock at the door.

"I'll get it," Kim says lifting Erin's head off her lap and Erin sits up before slowly getting to her feet, if anything just to stretch her legs.

Kim walks over to the door and looks through the peep hole before she smiles and opens the door. Inviting the guest in.

"Hey, look what I found." Kim says as they walk down the hallway into the living room.

"Nadia!" Erin exclaims as Nadia drops the bags she has in her hands to go and give Erin a hug.

"Holy shit, look at you." Nadia says, examining Erin's face.

"I know, it looks really bad." Erin says, "But these pain pills are the bomb." She giggles.

"Hey, how did you know?" Kim asks Nadia curiously.

"Oh apparently Antonio and Voight were interrogating some scumbag when Voight got the call about you. " She motions to Erin. "Voight apparently called Tony as he was leaving and he texted me, told me to dress in my PJ's and head over to Erins, so I did."

"Tony huh?" Kim teases.

"Oh shut up. There's nothing going on." Nadia whines as Erin and Kim give each other a look and giggle.

"Anyways," Nadia says, trying to change the subject. "Other than myself, I brought chips, and ice cream and soda, I figured maybe we could make ice cream floats and be fat. I also brought this." She holds up a copy of Die Hard.

"YES!" Erin exclaims, a little excited from the drugs, "Die Hard is literally my favorite."

"Let's get into our 'jammies" Kim says to Erin.

"Let's" Erin says, feeling the effect of her pain killers.

She walks back to her room with Kim on her heels. Nadia follows them after putting the ice cream in the freezer.

Nadia climbs onto Erin's bed and gets comfortable. Erin strips off her work clothes, wrinkling her nose because they smell like hospital. "These smell like hospital." She says aloud making Kim and Nadia giggle. She walks over to her pajama drawer and pulls out a pair of loose pajama pants and a tank for Kim and throws them at her. She grabs a pair of boxer type shorts and Jay's T-shirt and pulls them on. Kim strips off her clothes as well and pulls on the pants Erin had handed her, watching them pool at her feet because of the height difference between her and Erin.

"I'm gonna pee and then we can make floats and watch the movie." She says lightheartedly.

She makes her way to the bathroom and closes the door behind her. She looks at the damage to her face when she sees her reflection. She swears she hears ringing, but she chalks it up to the pain killers and sits to use the bathroom. Halfway through peeing she hears a pounding on the door. "Uh yeah? I'm peeing." Erin say's sassily.

"Erin," Kim says through the door. "Your Skype was ringing, I answered it." Erin feels her heart skip. She didn't have to ask who it was that was calling her. She instinctively reaches for her locket and smiles.

"Okay, I'll be right out." She says, giddy. She looks in the mirror and swears to herself, sobering up a bit. Thinking remarkably quickly, she throws on the hoodie hanging on the back of the bathroom door. She pulls her hair out of the ponytail and lets it cascade around her face, trying to hide some of the bruises. She pulls the hood over her hair, hoping it will conceal at least some of the bruises.

Kim and Nadia are sitting at her computer, and Erin takes a shaky breath as she see's Jay's face on her computer.

She walks over slowly and stands behind them, hiding the bad part of her face behind Kim's hair.

Jay see's her and he smiles, making Erin's eyes water as she smiles back.

"Hey Partner." Jay says, smirking.

"Hi Partner." Erin repeats, letting a few tears fall.

"We'll leave you alone." Kim says, jumping up and grabbing Nadia. "Bye Halstead!" Kim says enthusiastically.

Erin sits, adjusting the angle of her webcam and the angle of her face, while Jay is distracted.

"Bye Kim, Bye Nadia" he says with a chuckle.

"So I hear you guys are having a slumber party." Jay says, "I was disappointed to see you were not all in your underwear."

Erin chuckles, "Sorry to disappoint, maybe next time." She says with a wink.

Jay laughs, and smiles, fidgeting once again. This time he notices.

"Erin what are you doing?" he asks curiously, slightly amused.

"Oh, nothing." She says, re-positioning her camera again.

"Are you hiding something?" he asks. "Erin…"

"It's nothing," She says awkwardly.

"Erin look at me." He says with a bit of force. "Come on, it's me."

Sighing, she lets the hood fall off her head, and she turns the camera to show her whole face.

"Son of a bitch, what happened? Are you okay? Why didn't anyone have your back?" He asks, frustrated, jaw set, teeth clenched.

"Jay, I promise, I'm okay. Scumbag got the drop on me, thought it was just some bruises and a headache until it got worse and I passed out." She says, deciding to just tell him everything.

"You passed out?" he says, shocked. "Who the hell was supposed to be having your back? I'll kill him."

Erin chuckles, "My hero." She says, trying to get him to calm down. "It doesn't matter, I'm fine now and I have my girls spending the night to keep an eye on me. I also have these really good pain pills, so they are definitely helping."

"Alright," he says, defeated. "I just worry about you, I'm supposed to be there having your back, making sure that you're okay. "He admits.

" I know. You don't know how much I wish you were here right now. You make a good pillow." She says, making him laugh again.

"So if you aren't having semi-nude pillow fights, what are you guys going to do tonight?"

"We're going to make ice cream floats and watch Die Hard." Erin says with a smile.

"That's you're favorite." Jay says with a smirk. It makes Erin's heart skip, knowing that he knows her so well.

"Yeah it is. You're my favorite too though. "She says, fiddling with her locket and smiling when he gives her a wide grin. They just look at each other for a minute before his grin falls a bit.

"God, I really miss you." He says, voice breaking.

She swallows hard, willing the lump in her throat to go away before she nods, "I miss you too. So much." She says biting her quivering bottom lip as her eyes well up again.

"Is it bad?" she asks delicately.

He looks away and sighs before he answers. "Yeah it's bad. We lost two guys on this last mission." He says before he takes a deep breath. "The nightmares are killing me though."

Erin sighs and looks at him sympathetically, "I wish I could help. At least be able to be there for you when you wake up screaming." She says, remember the times that he had slept on her couch and she had woken up to screams.

"I'll be okay. Don't worry." He says reassuringly.

Erin brushes away the tears on her cheeks. "Yeah you better be. I want you coming home in one piece."

"I will come home in one piece" he says confidently. "Are you going to drive when I get home?" he looks at her with a surprising amount of sass on his face which makes her smile wide.

"Yeah" She says, very aware of the double entendre. "Yeah I'm going to let you drive."

**A/N: AHHHHH yayayayay they got to look at eachothers faces! I hope that went okay, it's really hard to write about a video chat?! So I did my best. There will more than likely be a significant time jump in the next chapter so be aware. Also *hint hint* remember that this is not a story filled with puppy dogs and rainbows. Also may have to change the rating to M for later chapters *wink wink*. Please favorite/ and review review review. The more reviews I get, the more inspired I get. Will update way sooner because I have a LOOOOT of ideas. :3 **


	7. It's getting hot in here

**A/N: I know I know it's been over two weeks, I'm sorry I had this chapter almost done and then I lost the entire thing and since then I've been too tired or too busy or in too much pain to be able to re-write it. I've been in the hospital, I've been in pain. If you guys are going to read my stuff longterm, this is going to happen from time to time. As I am posting this I am also working on the next two chapters and they should be up within a few days. I just got back from warped tour so that's another reason why it's so late. I will be leaving for the beach on Thursday of next week , So I am going to try and put these two chapters out at least, if not 3. Again I apologize, I am very sorry. Eh. There is also a time gap, so I'm sorry and please don't hate me for that. I really love you guys and your feedback and I hope you'll stick with me because I am going to see this story to the end I promise. I own way too much nail polish, A head full of 'Vampire Red' hairs, and 16 pairs of headphones that I can never seem to find. :3 I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, Im not sure if this Is super characteristic of the characters but for some reason I thought it would be cute. I work hard on every chapter I write and I hope you guys don't hate the direction I lead the story. Enjoy. **

***Three and a half months later* **

Erin is sitting criss-cross in her chair at the end of the day. Instead of finishing up paperwork, she is absent mindedly fiddling with her locket as she reads through some previous emails from Jay. They make her smile, and a few even make her blush. She glances over to Ruzek who pulls Kim's chair next to him and puts her feet on his lap. He scrolls on his computer with one hand as his other rubs her calf. Kim had gotten kicked the day before during an arrest and she now has a nasty bruise. Erin chuckles as she thinks about what Voight's reaction would be to what she just saw. He had become more lenient but not _that_ lenient. She turns back to her computer and resumes getting lost in reading emails and smiling to herself.

"What are you smiling at?" Voight asks, startling Erin.

"What? Nothing at all." Erin says sheepishly. "Just finishing up paperwork."

"Mhmm. Right." Voight clears his throat before speaking up. "Seems like everyone is pretty much done for the day, why don't we call it a night?" he says before heading into his office to grab his things.

Erin stands up and leans back and then bends at the waist stretching out her spine. She closes her emails and shuts down her computer. She casually unclips and drops her gun and badge into her desk drawer before she locks it. She walks over to Adam and Kim who are doing the same.

"Whatcha guys up to tonight?" Erin asks casually.

Adam and Kim look at each other and shrug before answering. "Nothing really, just a boring Thursday." Adam answers.

"Well Jay is suppose to Skype me tonight, and I was wondering if you guys would want to come over. I'll get pizza and a six pack. I need you guys to help me…surprise him." She says throwing them an excited look as she slides her jacket on.

"Surprise him how?" Adam asks, intrigued.

The trio starts walking out of the unit together. "Well Ruzek, how do you feel about losing your pants?" Erin asks him with a wink.

Adam raises his eyebrows in surprise before he smirks. "Well you've got me curious, so I guess we're in."

"This is going to be so much fun." Erin says with a laugh.

An hour later Adam and Kim walk in hand in hand, Adam has a twelve pack of Saranac in his free hand. Erin had gotten home about five minutes before, with two pizzas, one with sausage and pepper and the other half cheese and half with ham and pineapple because its Kim's favorite.

"We found these two walking into the building, figured we would invite 'em up." Kim gestures toward Nadia and Antonio who walk in right behind them. Nadia and Antonio had been getting along very well the past few months. Antonio had lost the light in his eyes there for a while and it was good to see him smiling and having fun again.

"Good, I invited them, they're gonna help too." Erin says with a smile.

"Got the goods. " Adam says holding the beer up in the air.

"Nice. I got the food. Kim I got your favorite. "She says with a smile.

"Yay!" Kim bounces over to the kitchen, grabs a slice, and shoves it in her mouth.

"Someone's hungry." Adam comments with a smirk which earns him a glare.

He opens five bottles of beer on the counter, and hands one to everyone before taking a sip of his own. He goes to the cabinet to grab plates and piles three pieces of sausage and pepper pizza. He takes a generous bite and makes delighted noises as he chews, "Tony's?" he asks with a mouthful.

Erin murmurs an "mmhmm" as she continues to eat her piece. Nadia starts on her second piece of cheese and Antonio reaches for another slice of pineapple. Ruzek goes in for another two pieces which makes the girls laugh.

"Slow down there, fatass." Erin says with a chuckle as she takes a pull of her beer.

"So what time is Halstead supposed to be calling?" Antonio asks as he takes a swig of beer.

Erin looks at the clock "Shit, probably within the next few minutes. Why don't we go chill in my bedroom and ill let you in on what we're gonna do to surprise him." She says grabbing another slice of pizza and nodding toward the group to follow her.

"Bring more beer!" she says chuckling, "You're gonna need it."

"Oh great. What did you sign me up for?" Antonio unenthusiastically asks Nadia.

"FUN! We're gonna have fun." She answers, pulling him by his shirt.

Adam sets the beers on the computer desk. He takes off his shirt and unbuttons his pants letting them fall to the floor. He does a belly flop onto Erin's bed and pats space next to him.

"Come on Antonio, you know you want to." He says with a wink making everyone laugh.

Instead of taking him up on his offer, Antonio grabs a throw pillow and throws it at Ruzek's face. After taking off her shirt and pants as well, leaving her in her underwear and bra, Kim takes the space next to Adam.

"I can't believe I'm doing this." Antonio says, taking off his pants.

He sinks down into the big, comfortable chair by the picture window that looks over their beautiful city. As soon as she's done getting her foot unstuck from her very tight jeans, he leans over and grabs Nadia's hand, pulling her into his lap.

Erin sits down at her computer and signs on to Skype. She is relieved that Jay isn't online yet.

"Here," she throws her phone at Adam. "Put this on that docking station there, and get the song ready."

"Yes master!" he says with a salute, making Erin salute him back, only with a very particular finger.

"I just want to make him smile, and having you guys do this will make his week, I promise." She says with a sigh.

"We know, that's why we're here." Kim says softly, smiling at Erin.

They settle into casual conversation, talking about the case that they are currently working on and the Cubs game they are planning to catch this weekend together and then Adam starts cracking jokes. The beer must be getting to her head, because Erin is laughing pretty hard at Adam's not so funny knock- knock jokes.

The Skype ringtone sounds through the room, making everyone more excited and considerably louder. Erin checks her reflection in her mirror before shushing everyone and turning towards the computer. She takes a deep breath and answers.

It takes a second to load before Jay's face pops up on her screen, making her heartbeat pick up and her smile spread from ear to ear.

They look at each other for a few seconds before Jay speaks up, "Hey Beautiful."

"HeLLOOO HANDSOME." Kim's slightly tipsy voice travels over from the bed, which makes Erin mockingly glare at her and stick out her tongue.

"I'm sorry," she says with a chuckle. "Hi." She takes a moment to look at him, his facial hair had grown in some which made him look scruffy. 'And really sexy.' Erin thinks to herself. "I miss seeing your face." She says with a sigh.

"Tell me about it. It's hell not getting to see your face every day." He says with a smile. "So what's going on over there tonight? Burgess sounded a little tipsy."

"She is. We're having a sleepover." She says with a wide grin, knowing how he feels about her 'ruining' his image of sleepovers. His image of a sleepover equates to girls sitting around in their underwear, jumping on beds, and having pillow fights.

Jay frowns, "Oooh, so much fun." He says sarcastically. "You ruined sleepovers for me forever." He pouts his lower lip dramatically.

"Oh don't look so sad. We actually have a surprise for you."

"What kind of surprise?" he asks visibly intrigued.

"You'll see." She says, signaling off camera for someone to press play.

Nelly's "_Hot in here_" starts to flow through the speakers. Erin pulls her shirt over her head, earning her an eyebrow raise from Jay.

'_So hot in_

_So hot in here_

_So hot in'_

She positions the camera towards the bed where Nadia and Kim are jumping on the bed in their underwear. Erin dances backward and hops onto the bed with them. They jump around to the beat, and Erin grabs a pillow and knocks it into Nadia. Jay leans back, folding his hands behind his head. Erin smiles because he seems to be enjoying the show.

'_I was like, good gracious ass is bodacious'_

Adam and Antonio make their way in front of the camera. Dancing around and blowing kisses at Jay, who is cracking up. The sound of his deep chuckle mingles with the music. Antonio takes off his shirt and throws it towards the camera. Adam is trying his hardest to twerk to the beat. The girls are still jumping, but sporadically because they are bent over laughing. Jay continues laughing which makes Erin's heart soar; she hasn't heard him laugh this hard in such a long time.

By the end of the song everyone has abandoned dancing and they are all just laughing hysterically, mostly at Adam and his "twerk power".

"Holy shit" Jay laughs, trying to catch his breath. "That was awesome guys."

"We know." Nadia comments

"We really miss you man." Adam says in a serious tone.

"I miss the hell out of you guys too. I'd give anything to be back behind my desk in our unit."

"I bet. I'll keep the seat warm for you." Adam says with a laugh.

"I don't know about you all, but I want more pizza." Kim says herding everyone out of the room giving Erin a wink.

"That was great." Jay says to Erin when the room clears out.

"I'm glad it made you laugh. I haven't heard that laugh in a while, I've missed it a lot." She says with a smile.

"I miss you a lot. I'm glad this tour is almost over. "

"I'm glad too. I want my partner back." She says, pouting her lip.

"Speaking of getting people back…" he trails off hesitantly, "I need to talk to you about something."

Erin gives him a quizzical look, "Yeah sure. What's going on?" She asks seriously.

"A guy, a friend, from our unit was captured during one of our missions by a small group of Afghani insurgents." He says in a somber tone, running a hand over his face. "We waited a few days to hear from the Colonel about a rescue mission, after talking to him Sergeant Grayson said that the Army isn't going to back a rescue mission because of the lack of knowledge of this particular group. They would rather see him be tortured or killed than to even try and save him."

"That's horrible, Jay. I'm sorry." Erin says somberly.

"Well, Grayson wants to do it anyways." He says, "Off the books, strictly voluntary. He wants me to head the group." He takes a breath before continuing. "I'm thinking that I'm going to do it."

"No." Erin says vehemently.

"I cannot let this guy die because the white shirts are too corrupt to put any money into a rescue mission." He says, clenching his jaw. "How would you feel if I was the one who didn't get rescued? How would you feel if it was my life?" He asks heatedly

"Don't you _dare_!" Erin says, raising her voice. "We _are_ talking about your life, Jay!"

"No we are talking about an innocent man dying because no one was willing to go out on a limb and try to save him. I cannot leave someone behind, I cannot live with that!" Jay says, voice rising.

"Don't you fucking get it?" Erin chokes out, tears in her eyes. "I cannot live without _you_."

"Erin…" he takes a deep breath, trying to keep his emotions under control. "I'm going to be fine. But I _am_ going to do this. And when it's over? I'm going to be coming home, to you." He says delicately.

She takes a shaky deep breath. "You better. I mean I know I can't stop you. You and your morals."

"Yeah me and my morals." He says with a small laugh. "And no you can't stop me, I'm sorry. But these next 3 weeks will fly by and I'll be home before you can even blink." Jay says with a slight smile. "But right now, I need to go and you have to go hang out with our friends."

"Yeah I know." She says, wiping tears from her face. "Please Jay, please be careful." She pleads.

"I will, I promise. You be careful too, partner." He smiles at her, "I'll be home soon."

"I'll be here waiting." She smiles, even though tears are still running down her face and she gives a small wave before he ends the call.

Once it disconnects, Erin walks to the bathroom and sits on the edge of the tub. She lets her tears fall freely for a few moments. It had been a long 6 months without Jay here, and it's gotten harder the more her feelings have grown.

Kim walks into the bathroom and squats down to Erin, "I heard yelling, what's going on?" she asks, concerned.

Erin wipes her face and rolls her eyes, "He's heading some off the books rescue mission." She says with a shaky voice. "I mean I totally get why he's doing it, but it's also really dangerous." Erin takes a deep breath. "Kim, I need him to come home." She says dropping her head

"He will," Kim says softly as tears roll down Erin's cheeks. "Hey look at me, "she puts her hands on Erin's face, "He is coming home, I promise."

"I know." She says quietly as Kim pulls her into a hug. "Come on, let's get you a drink." Kim says, pulling Erin up.

"Yeah, a drink would be great." Erin sighs.

Kim lets out a laugh, "You know what else is great?"

Erin looks at her quizzically.

"The game of twister that Adam and Antonio are playing in their underwear right now." Kim says, smiling wide.

When Erin walks into her living room and sees's Adam and Antonio entangled on the twister mat, she throws her head back in a genuine laugh.

"I love you guys," She says, wishing that the missing piece of their group was here.

Two weeks later, its mid afternoon and it's been a scorcher of a day for mid-October. The sun had been beating down on them all morning as they canvassed the river walk for members of the Russian mob who had been snatching up young kids to sell into human trafficking rings.

They are standing around the office talking about what leads they have, what phone records they could pull up, and what surveillance cameras have caught on their suspects.

A few days earlier Atwater had made fun of Erin for ripping her pants during a take down, and as punishment Voight was making Kevin wait hand and foot on Erin. So far, Erin was enjoying having someone to organize her paperwork and get her lunch. His most recent task was to get the entire team iced coffees.

He walks up the stairs, juggling a tray of iced coffees.

Ruzek laughs and Kim throws him a glare before going over to help Kevin.

"How's my bitch-boy doing?" Erin asks with a laugh.

"Ha-Ha, funny" Kevin says, handing Erin her coffee.

"Thank you though, seriously. This coffee is really hitting the fucking spot." She says, taking a sip. " I can't believe how ungodly hot it is outside."

"I know, I should have worn my booty shorts." Adam says which makes everyone laugh.

"I will pay you money to never have to see that." Voight says from behind him.

"How much are we talking?" Adam asks

"I would pay anything not to see your hairy ass cheeks hanging out of booty shorts, Ruzek." Voight says, making everyone chuckle.

Erin's phone rings, dragging her away from the conversation. She walks over to her desk and picks up her phone.

"Detective Lindsay," She answers.

"Detective, I am Master Sergeant Bloom," He takes a breath "I am calling because you are listed as next of kin for Corporal Jay Halstead."

Erin's heart drops "What happened?" She asks forcefully. She takes a deep breath and braces herself for what he may say.

"As of Tuesday, October 13th at 15:00 hours, Corporal Jay Halstead has been classified as missing in action. Measures are being taken to insure his safety and the safety of his unit. Once they have been found, they will be flown back to the states. You will be notified of any changes in status. " He drones on about procedures and support groups but Erin has stopped listening.

"Thank you for telling me," She interrupts before dropping the phone onto the receiver.

The sound catches Kim's attention and when she sees's Erin's ghostly white face, she rushes across the room, "Erin, what's wrong?"

Erin stands up and walks to the front of her desk. Her knuckles are white as they grip her coffee cup.

At this point everyone is looking at her concerned, "What is it kid?" Voight asks her gently.

"As of Tuesday, October 13th at 15:00 hours," She repeats, "Corporal Jay Halstead has been classified as missing in action." She says robotically.

She hears everyone gasp, and she stands there trying to process the information that she just relayed.

"Jay is missing," She says when the realization hits her. A heartbreaking noise leaves her throat as uncontrollably she starts to sob. Her coffee cup drops from her shaking hand and her knees buckle underneath her as she falls to the ground.

**A/N: Soooo? I hope it wasn't super predictable. Like I said, this chapter was very hard to write/word so I'm sorry if some parts sound bad or something. I'm trying my best. But I am now on a roll and I should be updating with the next chapter within the next day. I hope this wasn't too predictable either, I tried to keep it under wraps so hopefully you guys didn't see this coming from a mile away? I dunno. I'm sad because I heard that linseride *cringes* will be a thing through all of season 2, so that will definitely be fueling my fanfiction because I NEED Linstead in my life. Anyways, let me know what you guys thought? I hope you didn't hate it. Okay, and sorry again it took so long to get up. I really do apologize. **


	8. Sick of Dreaming

**A/N: Yayyy! I'm so glad you guys liked the last update. I was nervous about it but hopefully you guys liked the twist. :3 Anyway, I'm trying to decided as I write this if this will be a shorter chapter and I'll update back to back or if I'll keep it all together and have one really long chapter. I mean by the time this is posted you guys will know, but as of right now I don't. If it is a really long chapter it will contain two songs, and they are both very important ones, so even if you haven't listened up to this point, it is imperative now to listen to the music because I feel like It adds to the story, I listen to the songs as I write it. I don't know, I feel like music is healing and it helps me get through things so I like to write in the same way. The song can be found on spotify and on youtube, I heard it on Rookie blue and so that's what will pop up with the song, click on that, it's one of my favorite songs, I promise you won't regret listening to it and I'm hoping the music adds to the story for you guys, I dunno I guess I'm rambling now. So whether this is a short or long chapter, I hope you guys enjoy it either way. What I own: A brain that can't seem to remember anything, a body that falls apart, and a heart full of feelings for a boy who doesn't feel the same way. What I don't own, sadly? The characters in this story. **

**Enjoy :3 **

"No…. No! I need information, a location, anything!" Erin says, her voice rising. "It has been almost _two_ weeks, why haven't I heard anything?" She demands. "Oh yeah, classified sure…. right, procedures." She says sarcastically, "You know what you can do with your procedures? Shove them up your ass!" She spits into the phone before slamming it onto the receiver. She pushes away from her desk and walks away, pressing her hands to her forehead, trying to regain her composure.

"Erin, my office." Voight's voice travels through the unit, making everyone look at her. She lets out a huff of breath and rolls her eyes before dragging her feet across the room and into his office.

He waits for to sit down in one of the chairs before he closes the door and goes over to lean on his desk. "You need a minute to cool down or do I need to send you home?" He asks in a gritty voice with a threatening attitude.

His tone makes Erin snap her head up, "No you don't need to send me home, I'm not a_ child_ Hank! I'm trying to find my partner for fucks sake and no one is giving me an inch. I cannot get any information, I even went through one of Jay's CI's, a hacker, had him track drones in the last area he was seen and nothing. It's like his entire crew dropped off the face of the earth. "

"I'm sure they will find him soon, and he'll come home." He says, softening his demeanor.

"You don't know that," Erin says stubbornly.

"Erin, they'll make sure of it," he says and Erin shakes her head rejecting the words that are coming out of his mouth, " he'll be home soon."

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT." she shouts.

They both sit there for a beat before Erin mutters a 'sorry'.

Voight walks to the door and opens it, "Ruzek, get in here."

Erin spins around in her seat, "Hank, no. I'm fine." She says, trying to sound convincing.

Adam walks into the office and looks from Voight, to Erin, and back to Voight.

"I'm fine." Erin says softly before she runs her hands down her face and lets them drop in her lap.

"No you're not. How long has it been since you've slept kid? I'm guessing you didn't get your eight hours last night."

Erin just shakes her head in defeat.

"Can you take her home?" Voight asks Adam, motioning towards Lindsay.

"Yeah, of course boss."

Voight walks over and squats down in front of Erin, "You call me if you need to okay?" He says, dropping a kiss on her temple before standing up and nodding toward Ruzek.

Adam walks over to Erin and puts his hands on her shoulders lifting her out of her chair, "Come on Erin, let's get you home."

Adam and Erin walk out of Voights office, and Erin walks over to her desk, dropping her gun into her drawer and hitting the power button on her computer before walking towards the stairs where Adam was standing. When she gets close enough Adam throws his arm over her shoulders.

"Adam?" Erin asks sweetly.

"Yessss?"

"I am not a child. If you want to keep that arm, I suggest you get it off of me. Do not placate me." Erin says stiffly.

"Okay sorry," he says as he drops his arm "Kim just said it looked like you needed a hug." He says with a pout.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Why won't anyone believe me when I say that?" She says, exasperated.

"Because none of us are," Adam says truthfully which causes Erin to look at him and see that he isn't fine either.

"I guess I didn't even notice, I'm sorry. I just want him back," She says weakly.

"I know me too. Why don't we get you some food and get you home so you can get some sleep?"

"Yeah sounds good," Erin says as they walk the final stretch to Adams car.

Thirty minutes later they arrive at Erin's front door. She's holding a bag full of "food", aka all her favorite junk food that Adam ran into the store and bought for her.

"Thanks for this," she says as she holds up the bag.

"Don't even worry about it and don't eat it all in one sitting," Adam suggests, pointing towards the bag, " make sure you eat some real food soon too, okay?" he says, pulling her into a hug, "Call me or Kim if you need anything, and we will pick you up for work on Monday, just give us a call, okay?"

"I will eat, I promise. And yes I will give you guys a call after I get some sleep. I have some muscle relaxers left over from the ER a few months ago, they put me out so I may take one of those." She says, thinking aloud.

"Yeah that's a good idea. I hope you get some good sleep. Lock that door behind you." He says, starting to walk away.

"I will. Thanks Adam, you're a great friend." She says before closing the door and pulling the chain to lock it.

She sighs as she walks straight for her bedroom, wanting to get her work clothes off. She pulls on a Tshirt and a pair of sweatpants and sits on her bed, absent mindedly listening to the TV on her wall. The real housewife of New Jersey is on, so she sits on the bed and watches. She eventually opens the box of Krispy Kreame doughnuts that Adam got for her and before the show ends, she realizes that she has downed three doughnuts. 'Wow' Erin thinks to herself, not realizing how hungry she was, now that she thinks about it she honestly didn't remember the last time she had eaten.

Erin stares wide eyed at the TV, wishing that that the only thing she had to worry about was a _broken nail_. She lets out a sigh and gets up, making her way to the bathroom. She rifles through her medicine cabinet looking for an orange bottle, full of muscle relaxers. After a minute of rifling she gets aggravated and anger bubbles inside her. She throws a bottle of aspirin at the wall as she lets out a frustrated scream. Her hands grip the cold tile of her sink and she drops her head, trying to catch her breath. She looks at the mirror in front of her, and letting her mind win, she pulls it off the wall. Erin's breathing slows as she looks at the small hole nestled behind her mirror that holds all the demons of her past. Bottles of Percocet sit in front of her and it takes all her willpower not to reach out and grab it. Lord knows she could use the sweet release of an opiate high right now. Instead she lets out a shaky breath and lifts the mirror back onto the wall. She opens her medicine cabinet back up and after one more thorough search; she finds the bottle labeled 'Flexeril" and she looks at the label before popping the cap off of the bottle. Erin pours two into her hand and pops them into her mouth, swallowing them dry.

She shuffles back to her bedroom and collapses onto her bed. She picks up her phone and lets out a frustrated sigh when she discovers no notifications. After grabbing her remote, Erin lays back against her pillows and curls up under her covers. She flips through channels and settles on a repeat football game. She zones out listening to the boisterous announcers and before she knows it she slips into a deep medicated sleep, the first real sleep she has gotten in the past two weeks.

Six hours later, Erin shoots out of her sleep, waking up breathless and choking back sobs. Her mind is muddled and confused and she tries to hold on to strands of reality. She uses the blaring sound of the TV to orient herself and bring her down out of the horrifying nightmare her subconscious had just conjured up. She had dreamt of dismembered bloody soldiers, a bruised and bloodied and possibly dead Jay. Though they weren't real, the felt real. Vivid images flash through her mind as lightning cracks outside her window. She shakes her head back and forth as if the force of her brain colliding with her skull would compel the images out of her head.

Not knowing what else to do to calm herself down, Erin grabs her iPod and shoves her headphones onto her head. She flips through until she gets to her relaxing playlist, hoping that some over her favorite songs may calm her nerves and help her heartbeat return to a normal, human pace. She lets the music pump through her system as she tries to relax. There is no way she is going back to sleep tonight, and as her hand touches her sweat soaked sheets, it confirms her theory.

She jumps out of bed, needing to move and she paces back and forth across her bedroom floor as thunder booms outside, shaking her building, and her resolve, to the core. Fearing that the images in her dreams were some sort of premonition pumps anxiety through her body makes her chest feel heavy. She feels completely lost. Not knowing where else to go she grabs her keys, unchains her door, and lets it slam behind her.

Her feet carry her until she's walking down the hallway that she wants to be in. Erin is drenched from the storm. Walking down the hallway she stops and reaches on top of the light next to the door and feels around until her hand closes around a key. She walks over to the door and unlocks it. When she opens the door her senses are assaulted. She didn't expect it to still smell like him after six months, but it did. It still had that spicy smell that was uniquely Jay's. Erin takes a quick look around and sets down her keys on the counter before walking toward his bedroom.

She immediately goes to his dresser and pulls out one of his t-shirts because hers is wet and clinging to her body. Erin lets the wet shirt fall to the floor with a splat and slips Jay's t-shirt over her head. She walks over to his bed and falls onto it, exhausted by her emotions. She curls into a ball and grabs one of his pillows, inhaling a scent that makes her heart ache, because she fears she may never smell it again. Tears prick the back of her eyes as she starts to pay attention to the music in her ears, "Sick of dreaming" by Alexander Cardinale pours through her headphones

'_In the middle of a life _

_I fear is out of time'_

Her hand instinctively reaches for the locket around her neck as the tears in her eyes pour over and stain her cheeks.

_'Cause I've been Dreaming _

_Kicking, Screaming, Hopeless and Alone _

_Am I breathing, no more sleeping_

_Weightless as a stone._'

Sobs rack her body and she does nothing to try and stop them. She cries through two more songs before the tears start to dry up and her breathing starts to return to normal.

Erin looks at the clock and sees that it's almost ten thirty, It would take her a good thirty minutes to get home and she didn't want to get caught out in this storm too late into the night. Seeing a hoodie on the back of Jay's door she grabs it and quickly puts it on and zips it up. She knows it will get wet again, she just doesn't care.

Her music pumps through her headphones as she walks back into the rain. The heavy crying she had just done has cleared her mind, maybe a little bit too much. Instead of feeling a confusing tangle of emotions, Erin just feels numb. She welcomes the numbness and the feeling of the rain beating down on her as she walks through the night.

**A/N: Wow, I got a little dark there, I'm sorry. Now that I'm at the end it's obvious that this is a shorter chapter. The "second" half will be out sometime tomorrow permitting that I feel ok. I'm sorry that this is a darker chapter and no questions were really answered but I have to keep the story suspenseful somehow. I hope you can also look over any mistakes because it's late and ive read through it a few times but I'm sure I made some mistakes. Again, I hope you enjoyed it, let me know of any suggestions you have. I honestly live for your guy's feedback so PM, favorite, comment, anything I love it all. You guys are my drug. :) **


	9. Erased my fears

**A/N: I'm really glad you guys enjoyed the last chapter; I worked pretty hard on it. Hopefully you guys don't think it's too uncharacteristic of the characters. I think that's the thing about fanfiction, once you take the characters into your hands you have free will to change them as much as you want or need to. Hopefully you can still see the stubbornness and other characteristics, especially where Erin is concerned. Anyways, since you guys voted and wanted the two shorter chapters, here is the continuation. I really am sorry that this part took so long to upload, I didn't get to finish it due to a horrible migraine, then I went on vacation and was not going to waste it, and then it was the rookie blue finale and then it was today and I'm in massive amounts of pain, but I'm trying for you guys. Like always, please listen to the music, I listen to it while I write and I feel like it's part of the "scene". I hope you guys enjoy this one; I worked very hard and also would recommend reading this one alone. Don't know when then next one will be up because I'm working on a new story that I hope you all will read as well. I don't own any of these characters, just the plot lines. Enjoy! **

Erin is soaking wet, _again_, by the time she reaches her apartment building. She lifts her coffee to her lips. By the time she had gotten halfway home a chill had settled in her bones, so she had stopped for a small coffee to try and warm herself up. The clerk must have pitied her because she got it for free.

Erin empties the last of the coffee into her mouth and tosses the cup into the trash can outside her building. She enters her building code and opens the heavy door with a grunt, her cold bones protesting the work. She walks into the lobby, her shoes making squeaking sounds on the linoleum. Erin glances over at the mirror hanging in the lobby. "Good god," She says aloud stopping for a second to examine her reflection. She sees her face is pale and her hair is a mess, wet and clinging to her face. She lifts her hand to her eyes, rubbing the ghastly dark circles she has under her eyes. 'No wonder I got that coffee free," she thinks to herself. 'Jesus, he probably thought I was homeless.' She rolls her neck, letting out a groan, hoping that when she gets back into bed she isn't plagued by more horrendous nightmares. She runs a hand through her still wet hair and simultaneously pulls out an ear bud from her ear. Fed up with everything, Erin rips them out of her phone and shoves them in her pocket, letting her music play out loud.

The strands of 'Lake Winona' by The Careful Ones start playing on her phone and she drops it back into the pocket of Jay's hoodie. She trudges her way up the stairs as her freezing bones object with every step. Erin hums to the song as she makes her way up three flights of stairs and rounds on the fourth, praising god that she is almost to her apartment. As she makes her way up the stairs she trips on one of the steps and her keys go flying down the hallway. She smacks a hand to her face and throws her head back in frustration, "You've got to be fucking kidding me." She says climbing to the top step, letting out a hard breath and running a hand through her wet hair.

"Don't worry; I've got 'em." Erin hears a voice say.

Erin's hand falls from her face and she freezes as her heart pounds against her ribcage. For a moment she just stands there with her eyes squeezed shut as music plays from her pocket.

'_A spark you heard from inside, inside _

_And it called you near, erased my fears for the night'_

She finally drops her head down and wills herself to open her eyes. When she does, the breath rushes out of her lungs.

She squeezes her eyes shut again and shakes her head back and forth as if to wake herself up.

Erin struggles to catch her breath before she speaks, "Please tell me I'm not hallucinating." She states, breathlessly.

"You aren't hallucinating, Partner." Jay's voice answers her. She can hear the smirk in his voice.

She opens her tear-filled eyes again and an inhuman noise leaves her throat. She runs full speed down the hallway and straight into Jay's arms, wrapping her legs tightly around his hips. His arms close tightly around her.

'_Won't you make your home with me in my arms? _

_You were made from my bones, for me, for my arms'_

Erin buries her face in his neck, her tears running down his skin and soaking his shirt. His one arm stays firm around her waist as his other hand strokes her back, trying to soothe her, and himself.

"I thought I would never see you again" Jay hears Erin say, her voice muffled by his shirt. His arms tighten around her. It makes his heart ache that she felt so much pain because of him. "I thought you were dead." She says, choking on her tears.

Jay clears his throat and swallows hard, trying to get the lump in his throat to disappear before he speaks.

"Erin-"he says with a shaky voice, "Erin, look at me. " He waits for her to lift her head and look at him. Jay's hands move to her lower back, firmly supporting her as she leans up and locks eyes with him, her hands gripping his sides. "I'm here. I made it. I'm alive."He says slowly. Her eyes are still wide with bewilderment and he pauses as her hands slide up his chest and wrap around his shoulders, "and I'm not going to leave you."

Erin lets out a sob before she crashes her lips onto his, unleashing all the emotion she had pent up for the past six months. Jay responds instantly, spinning them around and pinning her against her door. She moans into his mouth and kisses him as if she needs it to survive, as if their lips parting would cause her heart to stop beating. Her senses are in overdrive as their tongues wage war. The hard door against her back, the spiciness of his scent fogging her brain, his hand gripping her thigh making her want him nearer, his taste driving her insane. She tightens her legs around his waist, wanting to be closer, _needing_ to be closer.

"Inside," Erin manages between kisses, "Now." She demands.

Jay responds by pressing his hips more firmly against hers, making Erin groan and making him chuckle. As he works on unlocking her door, she drops kisses onto his shoulder and up his neck, stopping to nuzzle him for a moment, before feverishly kissing up along his strong jaw line. Jay finally get's the door open and wraps an arm back around Erin's waist as he walks through and kicks it closed behind him. Her hands snake under his 'Army Strong' tshirt and she pulls at it as he walks them to her bedroom where she drops the shirt on the floor before working on unzipping her own hoodie and letting it follow. Jay holds her with one arm as he pulls off her sweatpants. She starts working on his belt and he shakes his head before dropping her onto the bed. She lets out a 'hmph' and he quickly kicks of his boots and drops his army fatigues before leaning down over Erin. He gives her a quick peck before pulling her shirt over her head and he settles onto the bed between her legs. He kisses her neck affectionately as he slips his hand behind her back to unhook her bra and throw it to the side. Erin drags her teeth along his jaw before making her way back up to his lips. Their tongues tangle again and Erin uses it as a distraction to catch Jay off guard and rolls them over, leaving her straddling his hips.

All of the sudden they are both still, like the eye of a storm. She had seen him undressed before, when he had taken a bullet to the vest, she had examined his bruised ribs. This was much different. He wasn't just good looking; he was a work of art. His blue eyes are stormy and determined, examining her the same way as he rubs circles on the inside of her thigh. She runs her fingernails down his stomach, following them with kisses, and enjoying the way his muscles respond to her touch. He pulls her back up to his lips, wanting to savor her taste. The kiss is heated and fast, but it seems like time around them has stopped. Erin traces his lower lip with her tongue and simultaneously grinds her hips against his, this time eliciting a groan from Jay.  
"How do you like it?" she murmurs against his lips and feeling him smile. He moves like lightning, flipping her onto her back. The wind outside rattles her window as his hand slips down and rips off the lace in between her legs, and she cannot be sure which action makes her gasp. Jay lets his fingers roam and he hits a sweet spot that makes Erin's nails dig into his shoulders and her eyes roll back in her head.

"_More_," Erin stresses, breathlessly.

So he listens. They give themselves over to the storm that has been brewing inside them for so long; their bodies illuminated only by the flashes of electricity and their moans muted by the thunder crashing outside. It's fast and feverish and white hot like the lightning reaching the stars and it drives them into oblivion.

* * *

Jay runs his hand down Erin's spine as their breathing returns to normal and their heart rates slow. Erin thinks about saying something, but doesn't. Instead she listens to his heart beat under her ear.

"What is it?" he asks into the darkness, tracing circles on her back.

Erin smiles, because after all this time he can still read her mind.

"How come I never got a call or anything about you being found?" She asks softly.

"It's against regulations," he lets out a chuckle, "The regulations that you apparently told a white shirt that they could shove up their ass."

She lifts her head and gives him a beaming smile, "That doesn't sound like me at all."

"Mmmhm," Jay continues after giving her a light smack on the butt, "Once a soldier is found alive and well, it is his job to notify NOK. But I had to be debriefed and then they shoved us straight onto a plane back to the states. When we landed they told us to go home, and that's how I ended up at your door." He says, dropping a kiss into her hair.

Erin leans up and gives him a long firm kisses before pulling away, "I'm so glad that you're home." She sighs.

"Me too." He says with a smile as she snuggles into his side. She listens to the rhythmic beat of his heart until they both drift to sleep.

* * *

Erin wakes up gasping for breath again. She looks around her room and finds an empty bed. Her heart beats faster and a million thoughts race through her head, the biggest one being 'Was it a dream?'

She pulls her knees to her chest, wishing that she would stop waking up like this, it was taking a serious toll on her. She covers her face with her hands and drops her head to her knees. She murmurs to herself over and over, 'Please let it be true.'

"Let what be true?" Erin he hears Jay's voice ask, and her head snaps up letting him see the ghastly look on her face. He places the things he had been carrying onto her dresser and hurries over to sit on the bed beside her. "Hey," he asks worriedly, "Hey, What's wrong?" He runs his hands up and down her bare arms.

"Oh God, I thought it was a dream," Erin says dumbfounded, and slightly embarrassed, as he pulls her into a hug. "I've been having these dreams where I see you die, and I thought you were gone. I thought it was all a dream." She says pulling back from the hug with tears in her eyes.

Jay places his hands on her face and drops a kiss on her forehead before kissing her long and hard on the mouth. He pulls back and locks eyes with her, "Baby, I told you," he says rubbing her cheek with his thumb. "I'm not going to leave you. Never again." She nods fiercely and He pulls her back into a strong hug.

She glances over at her dresser where two cups of coffee and a bag from her favorite bagel place are sitting.

"You got me bagels," she states and looks at him with narrowed eyes, "Are you sure I'm not dreaming?"

"Ha Ha. Funny." He sticks his tongue out at her before getting up and grabbing the goodies. He sets her coffee on her nightstand. "Of course I got you bagels," he gives her a smile as he hands her the bag. "Sesame, your favorite."

Jay unbuttons his pants and drops them to the floor before climbing back into bed. He reaches a hand into the bag on her lap and pulls out his bagel. "And an everything bagel for me. _My _Favorite."

Erin stops midway through breaking the packaging on her bagel, "I thought I was your favorite," she says, pouting her lip.

Jay lets out a laugh and reaches over to kiss her pouty lip before answering, " You are," He leans onto his elbow and takes a bite of his bagel. She just gives him a snarky smile. He shakes his head and gives her a smirk back before saying with a mouthful, "Eat your breakfast."

**A/N: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. JAY IS BACK. I am so sorry, this is my first time writing smutty things and it got SO SMUTTY SO FAST. I do apologize. I hope you guys didn't hate it? I dunno I was very afraid of this chapter because of it but it's not like I could tell ya guys that without spoiling it. PLEASE LEAVE ME REVIEWS and let me know how you liked it, what you'd like to see, etc etc. Also let me know if you'd read my new story, it'll be a more realistic version of linstead flirting and their first kiss and stuff let me know if it's something you'd be interested in reading? **


	10. The Girl

**A/N: Yes I know I suck at updating in a timely manner. I have a lot going on between pain/sickness, school, and writing my new fic/one shots. I'm also working on a major video for CF/CPD so it's really time consuming. I hope you all will read my new fic, 'Anchor down', it's very angsty so you'll all probably like it. Weew. Okay so I'm not happy with this writing but it's all I could come up with. I'm losing motivation with this story just because I have no idea how linstead would act as a couple so I have no idea how in/out of character this stuff would be. Sorry for any mistakes or whatever, it's like 5am. Hopefully you guys still enjoy anyways? Favorite/ Review please, it's like crack. **

**I DON'T own any of these characters or lyrics, ok? Ok. **

"Get up," Erin whines, throwing a pillow at Jay's head. It's Monday morning and they need to get into work. No one even knows that Jay is home yet. They had spent the entire weekend in Erin's apartment, tangled up in each other. Instead of giving her an answer, Jay grunts into his pillow.

"We're gonna be lateee," She sing songs as walks into the bathroom and starts the shower. Jay groans and sit's up slowly in the bed. Looking at the clock it reads 7am, which has no bearing on him really since his system is still messed up from the time zone difference. But it does tell him that they have to be at the prescient in less than an hour, or at least Erin needs to be. He's looking forward to surprising everyone and seeing their faces again. He had been away from his family for way too long. He runs a hand over his face and wills himself to make his overly exhausted muscles move. Jay doesn't have the heart to tell Erin he's hardly slept at all in the last 48, or that when he does sleep it's fitful and leaves him with an uneasy feeling every time he's jolted awake. Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath and throws the bed sheets off of himself.

Erin leans against the doorframe stark naked, "Are you coming?"

That's all the motivation that he needs. His lips curve into a smile as he follows her into the steamy bathroom.

* * *

"Are you nervous?" Erin asks Jay from the passenger's seat of her car.

He taps on the steering wheel for a minute. "No not really," He looks at her and smiles, "A little worried about Voight and this." He says, motioning between the two of them.

"I honestly don't know," She says with a sigh, "I think he might be okay with it."

"We'll lay low though; I don't want to get punched in the face on my first day back." He says with a smirk as he turns into the parking lot.

"Deal." Erin says as Jay puts the car in park. "But in that case, " she unbuckles her seatbelt. "I need one last thing before we go in." She climbs over the middle console onto Jay's lap and straddles his hips before pressing her lips to his. Jay deepens the kiss, reveling in the moment, knowing that he won't be able to touch her for another ten hours.

"mmmm," Erin murmurs as Jay's lips travel down her neck. "We're late." She says taking his face in her hands for one last kiss before climbing back into her seat. "Let's go."

They walk up the stairs into the prescient. The good thing about running late is that everyone will already be up in intelligence and it'll be easier to surprise them with Jay's presence.

"Morning Lindsay," Sergeant Platt says to Erin with a smile.

"Hey Halstead," Platt says, surprisingly not surprised by his presence. "Glad you didn't die."

Jay rolls his eyes but smirks a bit before sending her a sarcastic salute.

Erin smiles at him as she enters the code and scans her palm to get into the unit.

"You stay back, I want to surprise them." She says with a wily grin on her face as she ascends the stairs to the unit.

She keeps one arm behind her, in anticipation of signaling Jay when she's ready.

Everyone is at their desks and Voight is standing at the white board clipping information to it. He turns around and see's Erin standing at the top of the stairs.

He frowns and points at her, "You're late. "

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. But I have a good reason." She offers, biting her lip and hoping that he won't explode.

"Oh," Voight says, raising his eyebrows and crossing his arms over his chest. "is that right?"

"That's right, yep." Erin says, popping the p for emphasis as a slight smile crosses her lips. She looks around the unit to see everyone giving her confused looks.

"Well?" Voight asks, clearly getting irritated with her.

She signals to Jay and her smirk turns to a full on grin as he bounds up the stairs and stands beside her. There is an audible gasp before the scraping of chairs on linoleum is heard throughout the unit.

"Oh. My. God," Kim exclaims, shocked.

Voight gives Jay a smile and a rough handshake, "Really glad you're back kid."

Ruzek comes barreling in and wraps his arms around Jay. "I'm so glad your okay, man. We were worried." He says, letting Jay lose from his strong hug.

Antonio, Alvin, and Kevin all come over to shake his hand and offer their well wishes.

Kim comes over, her eyes brimming with tears, "I'm glad you're home. We all missed you." She says, giving him a hug.

"I'm really glad to be home too. I missed you all so fucking much. A lot of people didn't make it back but I'm really grateful I get to come back to you all. You guys are my family." He says, sincerely. He locks eyes with Erin, who's trying her best not to let the tears fall from her glassy eyes. "Anyways," Jay says more upbeat, "I think I've used up enough of your time, let's get back to work. Right Voight?

"That's right, kid." Hank says with a laugh, "We'll talk later. You're on desk until then."

Jay groans but walks over to his desk, running a hand over the wood. He sits down in his chair and sighs as he starts up his computer. He kicks his feet up onto the desk and reclines slightly in his chair, "Damn I missed this place." He says to no one in particular. He locks eyes with Erin who sends him a mega watt smile.

* * *

Late that day, Voight gets back from chasing down a bum lead in the string of bank robberies they are investigating.

"Halstead, my office." He orders.

Jay follows Voight into his office and closes the door behind him before sitting in the chair in front of his desk.

"I'm glad you're home kid. I've got your paper's here to reinstate you." Voight says, flipping the papers in front of Jay. "You just need the sign the bottom." Jay picks up a pen and scribbles his signature at the bottom and shoots Voight a smile.

Voight opens a drawer to his desk and pulls out Jay's gun and shield. He holds them in his hands for a moment.

"Sir?" Jay asks, confused.

"I know about you and Erin." Voight says, looking straight at Jay.

Jay's heart rate picks up and he tries to recover from the shock of what he just heard. "I don't know wha-" He is cut off by Voight holding his hand up.

"Don't bother trying to lie, kid. Honestly, I have tolerated Burgess and Ruzek's relationship since you've been gone and they haven't let it get in the way of the job. If you and Erin can do the same, we won't have a problem." He says, handing Jay his gun and badge. "But, the moments I see your relationship interfere with your job or your ability to have your partners back, you won't be able to get a job as a mall cop, do you understand me?" Voight commands, voice stern.

"Yes sir, I understand completely." Jay says, reaching out to shake Hank's hand.

"Good, you'll be back on the docket tomorrow. It's been a long day; you guys get out of here. " Voight says, turning back to his computer.

Jay stands and clips his badge to his waist band and slides his gun into his empty holster before heading for the door.

"And Jay?" Voight says catching Jay's attention, "Take care of her, okay?"

"I always have, and I always will," Jay promises.

Voight gives him a nod and Jay walks back to his desk and leans against it.

He looks at Erin, who is absent mindedly fiddling with the locket around her neck. It makes him smile. He stands there smiling until she looks up from her computer.

"What are you smiling about?" She asks, suspicious of his shit eating grin.

"I'll tell you later," he says walking toward her desk. "You ready to go home?"

She turns off her monitor and grabs her leather coat from behind her. "Oh I am more than ready," She says with a smirk.

They drop their things in the locker room before heading towards the stairs.

"Voight knows." Jay says with a small chuckle.

"He WHAT?" Erin exclaims, eyes wide.

"It's okay babe, he's cool with it."

Her mouth hangs open for a moment before she lets out a laugh.

As they make their way out of the unit, Erin slips her hand into Jay's and intertwines their fingers.

* * *

"Jay, WAKE UP!" Erin yells, struggling with his thrashing body. "Babe, come on, wake up!"

It takes a slap to the face before Jay returns to consciousness. His heart feels like it's beating out of his chest and his lungs feel constricted like they are in a vice grip. He struggles to catch his breath and to orient himself with where he is.

"Deep breaths," Erin says in a soothing voice, "It's okay, you're okay. Deep breaths, babe."

His brain clicks at the sound of Erin's voice, 'Home' it registers. His breathing becomes a little easier as his brain relaxes.

"Are you okay?" Erin asks after a few moments.

"Yeah, I-" His sticky tongue makes it hard to get words out, "It was just a bad dream."

"No that was a panic attack, in your sleep." She says, running her palm up and down his bare back.

"It's okay, " He reassures her, "I'm fine."

"Okay, well your heart is still beating out of your chest. Let me get you some water," She says getting up and throwing his tshirt over her head. "Oh here, maybe music will help calm you down too," She puts her ipod on the docking station and hits shuffle before making her way out of the room.

Jay walks to the bathroom and splashes water on his face, trying to wash away the images that had been plaguing him in his dream.

Erin appears in the doorway of the bathroom and holds out a glass of water. "Are you sure you're okay?" She asks worried, seeing the bags under his eyes.

He downs the glass of water and nods his head, "Yeah I am fine, I promise." He sends her a smile.

Even at 3 in the morning she manages to look beautiful. Her hair is tousled and what little make up she had on had long since rubbed off. She looked flawless standing there in his tshirt and it made his heart flutter.

'The Girl' by City and Color comes on over the speakers and makes Jay's smile widen as they walk back into the bedroom.

"Dance with me," he says on a whim.

"What?" She asks, perplexed by his suggestion.

'_I wish I could do better by you, _

_'cause that's what you deserve_

_You sacrifice so much of your life_

_In order for this to work.'_

"Dance with me babe," He says again, holding out his hand.

She puts her hand in his and he pulls her against him and starts to move with the music.

'_While I'm off chasing my own dreams_

_Sailing around the world_

_Please know that I'm yours to keep_

_My beautiful girl'_

Jay kisses her temple as they sway to the music. She lays her head on his shoulder and enjoys the feel of his hands on her waist.

She sighs and lifts her head to look at him, "I'm glad you came home to me."

He leans in and gives her a long kiss. "There's nowhere in the world I'd rather be than right here."

**A/N: Ayyyyy, kinda sappy I know. Setting the stone in motion for Jay to deal with some PTSD type stuff. I didn't want to rush it because I know it's a long process to deal with and get it treated. I don't know when I'll update again, I have to get into the mood so whenever the mood strikes me I guess? I hope you guys liked it. The more encouragement I have the faster I'll update it so please leave me feedback ok? Love you guyyyys. **


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